Everything in me wanted to title this blog differently. I wanted to make it more creative, more catchy, less…real. I told myself that if the title was vague, then the blog could be vague, and I could avoid the whole thing.
Jesus doesn’t work that way.
I really like eating. Ask anyone I know, and they’ll confirm — there’s no plausible explanation for why I don’t weigh 500 pounds. I love cooking food, and connecting with people over meals, and the idea of a great dessert just sounds so…great. And until last month, I thought nothing of it.
Oh hey conviction. Perfect time for you to step in. In India, I began being convicted of the amount of food I was eating, the amount of food I talked about eating, and the amount of time I spent thinking about eating. And through those convictions, I also heard one fun little word start popping up quite a bit: fasting. And of course, because I’m really good at working through my issues, I denied it all.
Enter: Nepal. All-squad month. All 44 lovely H Squad individuals, living in one house and serving with one ministry. All. Month. Long. What a beautiful time to want to keep something to yourself.
Nope. Instead, the Lord started strategically placing people in my life who were fasting…and by placing, I mean he dropped them right into my lap. No doubt they were there for a reason.
In India, I denied it. In Nepal, I straight up fought against it. Every fiber of my being fought against the Lord, telling him that my problem wasn’t that big of a deal; that he created food for a reason and I was just doing the normal human thing (aka eating). Then one day, in one single moment of clarity through a foggy pasta haze, the Lord brought me to Acts.
“While they were worshipping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “set apart for me Saul and Barnabas for the work to which I have called them.” So after they had fasted and prayed, they placed their hands on them and sent them off.” [Acts 13:2-3]
And it got me. I can’t tell you how or why, but Jesus. And here’s what hit:
1. While they were worshipping and fasting, the Holy Spirit spoke. That’s a big one. The cry of my heart since this whole World Race journey began has been that I would clearly hear the Holy Spirit’s voice, and these guys heard it because they fasted? Oh okay.
2. “After they had fasted and prayed.” They didn’t fast and pray just to get an answer from the Lord, and they didn’t stop when they heard it. They fasted and prayed out of obedience, and finished their obedient task before they moved on to what was next.
Again, I got nothin’. Jesus. And here’s the conversation that ensued:
Me: “Okay Lord. You want me to do this? I’ll do it. Let’s do it tomorrow.”
God: “Sweet. Start with that. But it’s gonna take more than one day.”
Me: “Alright fine. I’ll suffer. Wednesday and Thursday it is.”
God: “Two days isn’t going to settle this one.”
Me: *curse words* “Fine. Let’s go.”
Who has two thumbs and is fasting every Wednesday until further notice? This girl.
I’ll be completely honest…fasting sucks. It sucks because I’m hungry (imagine that). It sucks because I didn’t realize that it was so dang effective. It sucks because I never connected the dots, that spiritual growth can come with physical pain.
Conviction keeps coming as I fast. The song Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham has appeared in my life quite a few times over the past two weeks, and the words of the bridge get me every time I hear them:
Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
Anything I can’t stop thinking of is an idol
Anything that I give all my love is an idol
Food is my idol. I’ve put it above God for way too long, and it’s time it gets knocked down a few pegs. It’s time I put it out into the open. I think about food more than I think about God. I use food to cope, to comfort, and to cover up some really painful struggles in my life, and that’s not okay anymore. But don’t worry, fasting doesn’t really let you cover stuff up. The dirty laundry has been aired, and now me and Jesus are washing clothes. (Sorry, bad analogy. But for real.)
I don’t have a moral of the story to wrap this whole thing up. There’s no neat little bow to tie, or even a The End to insert at any point in the near future. My struggle with food isn’t over, and it won’t be for a while.
Here in Nepal, it’s Wednesday, and that means I’m fasting. I will be offered food today, and I will have to politely turn it down. I will feel myself getting agitated a little quicker than normal. I will have an overwhelming desire to seclude myself and nap for most of the afternoon. And I will have a choice.
Option one: give up, eat food, and deny the problem again. Or option two: keep going.
I know it will be worth it.
