During the World Race I was healed of multiple food allergies. In the last month, the Lord showed me lies I had believed all my life that prevented me from knowing Him fully. In the last week, my first nephew was born. And on the last day, I was healed of endometriosis. God was good and faithful in His time. And it was beautiful and perfectly timed.
My first month home was awkward. Project Search Light was incredible and life was less awkward after that.
After PSL, the Lord called me to a 40 day fast. He told me there were other lies I was believing.
I was so excited to do the fast with Him. I knew without any doubt the Lord was leading me to freedom. He was leading me to all the things I longed for: a job, a church, friends, community, a man, a life and obviously a smaller body.
There were many things about myself that came out during my fast. (A fast that I did as safely as possible with contingency plans and research.)
However, something happened almost immediately after it started. God left. He left and forgot to invite me to wherever He decided to go. I was alone.
Sure enough He’d return when I started to eat again, or so I thought. (Eating happened three days sooner than planned.)
To my dismay, two months after my fast ended, I was still alone and had none of the things I wanted. You know those good things that God has to provide because Christians need them: church and community at the least, and definitely a purpose (in the form of a job).
But that two month mark was my breaking point. I couldn’t take it anymore and I hardened my heart.
I unintentionally isolated myself and gave up on community. I was incredibly depressed and a lot of other words. It was a low that I never thought was possible, especially after having been a missionary on the World Race. I thought this low could never exist for me, maybe for other people, but not for alumni racers.
How I wished I could pretend He didn’t exist! But I knew of his goodness and faithfulness from the race and before. I couldn’t deny Him, but I couldn’t reconcile what was happening. I couldn’t understand Him.
So in this deep dark place I decided to pursue God. If He came back then great. But if he didn’t then I had proved…something…that He wasn’t good…
To “pursue” Him, I read the Bible twice a day and talked to him about whatever I wanted.
It wasn’t working. Isaiah ended with no real change in my life or relationship with God. It was strange though, after a couple of days, I missed my times with Him.
I prayed that he’d bring me to the other side of all this. I desired to speak of his faithfulness and for my journal to be a testament to his goodness.
Then we started Psalms and things started to change. The Bible was validating my feelings! All of them! I was allowed to feel the way I was feeling.
Change really started to happen in October, but with nothing really changing. I had even less than at the beginning of the year, but I was content. He showed me lies I believed (that a job and church and a life would fulfill me) and why the fast seemed to destroy me. I had been trying to hide from Him the entire time. He hadn’t left me.
And finally, in October I was suddenly able to not only call Him faithful, but I was able to thank Him, to praise Him, for this year. I can finally see and understand who He truly is. If this year hadn’t happened, I would have never realized I believed falsehoods about God and myself.
I realize now that I do have something more… confidence in our relationship. He is more than able to lead us through anything. He is faithful to me even when I have been faithless to Him. He is- and always has been- faithful.
