I had one of the worst nights of my life this weekend.
We were camping out in a village for ministry…pause for a second. Something you need to know beforehand is that Africa weather is WEIRD. It’s actually winter here right now so the days are hot but the nights are insanely cold. So so so cold…unpause. One of our friends from Iris ministries who came with us this weekend to translate didn’t have a tent so I let him use mine and I just planned to share with Meagan. As I was helping him set up the tent, I realized the crazy guy didn’t bring a sleeping bag or blanket or anything either! So, like a good world racer, I preferred him and gave him mine so he wouldn’t freeze to death. I figured Meagan and I could just sleep extra close and share her sleeping bag too!
Little did I know when I gave away my tent and sleeping bag that the night was about to turn bitterly cold. I mean…this is AFRICA people! I’m supposed to sweat through my clothes! Long story short, Meagan and I got zero sleep that night. None. It’s the coldest I think I have ever been. We’re trying to share a mummy sleeping bag which, in case you’re wondering, is impossible. We’ve layered on every piece of clothing we had in our bags. The ground felt like ice on my body. I’m covered with half a sleeping bag…shivering. We literally layed there, groaning in complete misery, unable to sleep for hours, until the sun came up in the morning. At one point in the night I was so frustrated that I asked God to please just go ahead and come get me. I was ready for Heaven. Surely it’s warm up there!
Honestly, I just wanted to go home.
I’m telling you this because I want you to know that I don’t always get this “missionary” thing right. I’m heading into 6 months of this thing and sometimes that wears on me. Laying on the freezing ground that night, the enemy got me dwelling on all the things I didn’t have in that moment. Honestly, there are countless times on the race when I don’t want to do what I’m doing or be where I am.
Sometimes all I want is to lay on the couch with my dog and paint on a canvas. I want to take a warm shower and use a soft towel and straighten my hair. I want to buy the food that I enjoy eating and not be expected to share it with anyone. I want to get in my car and drive somewhere and not tell a single soul where I’m going. I want to wake up in the morning surrounded by the familiar walls of my room with my family right down the hall. I want to surprise my mom in her classroom. I want to watch my brother matthew play soccer and hear JP sing his music. I want to be around the people who’ve known me forever and just get me so I don’t have to explain myself. I want to wear my flannel shirts and my favorite sweatpants. I want to spend a night laughing till my stomach hurts at girls night. I want to get a hot n ready pizza with sarah and have a glass of wine and watch HGTV. I want my clothes to actually smell clean after I wash them. I want to fall asleep in my big bed surrounded by pillows. Sometimes…I just want to be back in America.
But honestly, there’s SO much I want more…so much inside of me that can’t be filled by any of those things. I want to wake up every morning with the realization that I can do absolutely nothing without Him. I want to tell my story and I want to hear others tell theirs. I want to sit on mountaintops and bathe in rivers. I want the sun to be my alarm clock and the stars to whisper me goodnight. I want to laugh at the little things. I want to learn from people that are different from me. I want to experience a God who doesn’t fit into a box. I want to see miracles. I want to be raw and real and confident. I want to speak words of life into dark places. I want to wash the feet of people who never get touched. I want to be challenged, every single day. I want to get dreams from the Lord. I want to wake up surrounded by people who love me. I want to live a life that is unexplainable except through God. I want to get to the end of every day covered in filth, exhausted, having given all I had. I want to follow the quiet voice that’s always led me through a whisper deep in my heart. I want to radically, passionately, and boldly chase Jesus…every day of my life.
There are moments on the race, like that freezing cold night in the tent, when I just want to call it quits and go back home to easy and comfortable. But ultimately, that’s not the true desire of my heart. Truth is, I love this place and I love this race. I’m learning to embrace it for all that it is- both the beautiful and the hard.
there’s no place I’d rather be
no place I’d rather be
than here in your love
here in your love, oh Lord.
