July 7, 2014 5pm.
Hello, my name is Leah, I’m a professional waffler. What does that mean you ask? Well I could spell it out for you or provide you with a clever metaphor but I think I’ll be frank instead: I cannot make up my mind. When I awake my mind is either decidedly made up or hopelessly ever winding down a road to nowhere and infinity.
I’m eating chocolate oatmeal. Yes, you heard me, it’s oatmeal (10 grain hot cereal to be specific) covered in dark chocolate powder. It’s been that kind of a day. Actually, it’s been that kind of a week. A week ago last Saturday I woke up with nauseating dizziness accompanied by overwhelming fatigue and hadn’t been able to shake it until I awoke from 12 hours of sleep this morning. My appetite is back and I’m remembering what it’s like to feel human; hence the chocolate.
Today I walked onto the community college campus I’ve been trying to escape since eleventh grade with a haughty attitude and a war waging conscience. As I fought back the temptation to act above it all I accepted the many kind words my conscience suggested I hand out to those around me and allowed them to move my attitude in a more humble direction. Once informed the waiting time was well over 2 hours I thoughtfully accepted the consequence of arriving late in the day and proceeded to make the wait useful by answering emails.
Two hours and forty-five minutes later I looked at my academic advisor and tried for myself to sum up what point she was getting at.
“So basically no matter what direction I decide to head in from here, finishing my associates was a complete waste of time because I will have to take additional underclassman credits regardless of the major I stick with because of the extremely specific curriculum trajectory. And, there’s nothing else you can do to help me until I figure out what direction that’s going to be.”
She then tacked on that the EMT course I was interested in taking for a semester would not be included in the maximum timeframe appeal to receive financial aid for courses beyond my associates degree. In short, another door slammed. Why? Because you see, I’m broke. I am the epitome of a broke college student who isn’t really in college but kind of still is in a eternally stuck in community college because I can’t make up my mind kind of way; with a really long track record of not holding onto a job for longer than it takes a baby to fully grow inside a womb. Okay maybe that was too much info for you. Getting back to the point, I essentially learned today that any college major I intend to earn (via my own decision making because that’s not the advisement’s job) will take more than two years (full-time) to finish, if all of the never ending paperwork remains in order for me to aptly receive financial aid, which will still likely only be the crappy kind of loans because the government is holding my parents financially responsible for my education until I’m 24.
The floor was suddenly absent from beneath my feet but I resisted the urge to give into a panic attack. There has to be an answer to all this, I thought. Something I haven’t been willing to see because I’ve got some lies stuck in my mind.
After derailing the what-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life-I’m-running-out-of-time-this-isn’t-cute-anymore train in my head I decided to talk it out with God. Yep, I walked across campus hashing it out with the Big Guy like a girl with too many personalities crowding her brain. And you know what? It really helped. God isn’t just a great listener when I need to verbally process a crisis, He sets me back on track and points me toward truth. It’s like a whisper slightly less noticeable than your conscience but packed with a whole lot more significance. He helped me realize that a lot of my fear was coming from this place of feeling like I had to meet a quota and keep up with everybody else. In the end that came down to money, and paper, which also includes money.
So what would my life look like following this track? I get a degree, whoohoo! Then I have a little time to get a professional job that sounds good when people ask you what you do. After I’m making money and have proved myself as an intelligent independent woman, I’m supposed to get married because by now I’m too old not to be dating and should probably try the internet since that’s where everyone is meeting their spouse nowadays. Sooner or later we have to have kids and I should probably consider working while being a mom because, well that’s what modern woman do. Plus I’m supposed to like really nice shoes and cruises. Then we worry about our children’s education while we get a new car and pay off our mortgage. By the time I’m helping my children get into college I should know what I’m going to do next-go for that promotion or move to a town I’d like to retire in. When can I retire? When will my husband be able to retire? Will I be close enough to my children to visit my grandkids? It’s all downhill from there. I either retire early and revel in my success while I look back pondering the question of whether my life mattered and if I have any regrets or I continue to fight the downhill escalator while I strive to earn the vacations I never got or find my true calling before I pass away. In debt. Fractured relationships. Not feeling fully satisfied and wondering why I didn’t make life a little less about me and leave something of legacy that wouldn’t die when I did.
Well that’s it right? Let’s be honest. That’s the American dream. Or the reality of what happens to the majority of the middle class. That’s not me. I was created for more. I was made to use all of my gifts and all of my passions to glorify God and invest in something that doesn’t fade away. To love people and be satisfied in something greater than “stuff” and “success.”
I ended up here about 6 weeks ago when I got fired. It seems the important lessons we never stop learning. I’m back to fully-living each day, using my gifts for purpose and pursuing my passions. Actually accomplishing my God-given dreams, in babysteps and in celebrating the little victories. Baby steps move mountains when you add them all together. Like a mustard seed. That’s each day. If you won’t do it today, well, who’s to say there’s going to be a tomorrow?
So live life to the fullest by living each moment to the fullest, loving selflessly and do what you love. Know who you are loved by. That’s all that matters. The rest is just gravy, or syrup; but what good is syrup without the waffle?
*Note to the reader 🙂 If you aren’t completely bored by my writing or tired of my talking in circles leave me a comment and let me know that should I ever begin a real, officially unofficial blog that you and other people would in fact enjoy reading it. Thanks
