I just read two of my teammates blogs and cried. The first blog broke me down into tears, for reasons I can't begin to explain to you yet. I then poured my heart out to the LORD and broke new ground within the walls of my heart. Or former walls, let's hope. The second blog God used to speak right into what was breaking my heart. Love.
Time after time I long to pour out my inner thoughts and feelings to you all, because that is what I wish to do when I write. I feel it welling up in me and I just have to get it out. But I use the excuse that some things should be kept for the right time, the right audience. True, when I'm not using it as an excuse. I'm ready to try to push the envelope.
Before I went to training camp, way before, no even further, I would write in my very first journal about how I wanted someone to tell everything to. I mean everything. Desires like this one slowly slipped away and the pain in my life hardened my heart to both others and to the LORD. I began to live by the truth that being independent was the only way to survive.
But then came high school and that rush of emotions that comes with growing up and realizing the world is so much bigger than you thought it was. I was in too deep. I could no longer handle everything on my own. My heart was too big for my own hands. I would hold onto my feelings and problems until the last moment and then as if gasping for air- I'd ask for help. Whether it be from the LORD or from others. You see, I was under the impression that once you needed people you were just screwed because that was the moment they would stop showing up.
Then God asked me to jump. He asked me to go all in. All or nothing. Put all those eggs in His basket. You know what I mean. I had to take a moment to tell Him that I hadn't been trusting Him, but I was ready to if He'd help me.
That first leap of trust changed my life. He began to crack the walls and melt my insides. I experienced His love like nothing I'd ever known.
Slowly I began to believe the loving things people told me. I began to ask for help. I began to believe that God really did love me.
I've come a long way, though God's work is never done until it's done. He continues to ask for more from me. So now I'm here. Forget part two, I'm going to keep writing, because I've got to tell you what He's done.
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At training camp God took me off the roller coaster I had been on. No more desperate cries that I would feel His love. No more waiting to be held in His presence. I arrived. Yes I was put into this incredible family of believers filled with God's supernatural love. I was taken care of. Encouraged. Accepted. But I want to take you to the private moment I had with God that changed everything.
I sat in the chairs before worship each day knowing I wasn't close enough yet. I prayed, "LORD I know this is amazing, I feel so loved by everyone and I feel closer to you than ever, but I need it to be just you and me. Face to face." I got that moment.
It came after crying tears of mourning.
It came after letting out everything I'd be running from.
It came after I found that one spot in the center of my heart and finally let God into it. He spoke healing truth right into the depths of my soul.
I felt restored with each word. Healed.
Then He wiped my tears away and told me I was beautiful. I looked Him in the eyes and He held my face. All I could think was "You're beautiful. I love you." All the "I love you's" bounced right back as though He radiated I love you from His eyes. He was so beautiful. Jesus literally is love. Then I listened as He told me He would love me always, leave me never, and find me no matter how many times or how far I ran away. He told me He accepted me and loved all of me.
I said, "I do."
I distinctly remember that this was the only response. "Yes, Jesus, I do take you to be the lover of my soul for all of my days. I accept ALL of your love this time."
And His heart was mine.
The memory is sweeter to me than the smell of a honeysuckle on a soft summer's day. (I know because I have those memories too.) I wish I could take you there. But then again, I don't. Because this was my moment with Jesus. When only the two of us existed.
From then on the rest of the week felt like a honeymoon with Jesus. Just looking into His eyes, resting my head on His shoulder. And from that moment, I felt this warm peace inside of me that has not left since. I could immediately feel Him with me.
I still can. It doesn't leave me now. He's inside my whole heart now. Filling up all of me. It's amazing.
But that's not the end of the story. I still have to tell you about today. This is where the heart break comes in.
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Story time.
I had my heart broken in high school. Classic girl meets boy, they become "just friends." He wanted me, then he didn't. He liked the attention, but he didn't like me. He didn't treat me well, I stopped talking to him.
But then time went on and we became good friends. Best friends even. I was done for. I fell for this guy like I had jumped out of a plane. It was an accident. He knew how I felt, or so he thought, but pretended he didn't. We spent time together at church, school, after school. All the time. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I told him how I felt. Well I tried to anyway. He told me he didn't feel the same way. He gave me a little speech about meeting better guys than him and breaking plenty of hearts in the future. I thought, phew I feel better! Then I woke up.
I had never hurt so much for so long. I lost my best friend and all the dreams I had been holding onto.
Finally I decided I was done crying, done feeling that way. I decided I would never feel this way again.
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For some reason God has picked now to show me that I never worked through this.
He's been tearing up my heart for days now. Showing me that I'm still living out of the fear that this will happen again. Believing that no guy I fall for would ever feel the same way about me. It's rough. God's destroying lies and teaching me new things. Which is awesome, but I'm acting like a kid at the dentist. I keep crying and complaining. I mean, this is my heart we're talking about.
So here we are back to the blogs and the journal and the crying.
I wrote out this long letter to Jesus about my heart, my fears, my future husband, and my choice.
It got down to this:
Jesus put His whole heart out there when He came to earth. We broke it. He still loves us with His whole heart. I want to be like Jesus. I choose to put my heart out there in the line of fire. This means it's probably going to get broken a few more times and in a few different ways. But I'm ready to see if what they say is true, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Because what's the point of having this heart if I don't spend the rest of my life wearing it out? Didn't God give it to me for a reason? So here I go… <3
