Long over-due, I am getting the truth out. I've avoided frequent blogs because of the many months yet to go, the belief that no one is interested in reading, and my perfectionism I rarely admit is still around. Truth is, maybe I've just been discouraged? Instead of some catchy lines or creative writing, I'm just going to tell it like it is: What have I been up to? What have I been feeling about the race? Thinking about life?
About two months ago I was fired. It was painful. Hurtful. I felt like I was a casualty in a situation where there was no one to stick up for me, so I got the short stick. On the bright side, I felt an amazing peace even though this was my favorite job so far in life. You see, I had been asking God that week if He really wanted me to stick around. I was tired of tring to be a whitness some place I was completely ignored. Tired of not mattering in a place where nobody worked their hardest. I wanted a location change. A transfer. I got what I wanted. God has now blessed me with a job I love working as a cashier/waitress/busser/all front house jobs- at a place called Zoe's Kitchen, where I get to eat lot's of my favorite food! It's a blessing.
Recently my parents offered to pay for the last class I need to wrap up my general associates before heading to the race. I started this week! Blessing. Though I'm not sure when, how or if I will finish school (I want to), this gives me a peace of mind and closer for now.
Struggles. I'm struggling to put up healthy boundaries with my family, yet take advantage of our time together while I'm here. It's stressful and often accompanied with heartache. I want so much to be close to each family member, yet each day is a struggle to trust one another and move past the past. I don't always understand why we can't just love eachother like I see in the movies. It makes me long for heaven where love abounds.
Life with my roomates has been up and down as well. I've learned a lot though; about myself and others. God certainly works everything out for a reason and for good to those who love Him.
Finally, to describe where I'm at right now, I need to tell you about a little lady in the dirt. Have any of you heard of Heidi Baker? I just read, "There Is Always Enough" by Heidi and her husband Rolland. Books the will rock your world for 500? You bet. Here I am reading about hundreds of abandoned orphans, tens of thousands of storm refugees, and thousands suffering will illness and demonic forces. As they are given homes, food, healed by the thousands, loved, brought to life in Christ- I just cry. Not because I am sad for them, not because I am so greatful for their salvation. I cry because I have a deep longing inside me to be so united with the Holy Spirit that my life is entirely devoted to humbly lying in the dirt while God uses me to change the lives of thousands. I am only alive in Him. I am desperate for a life that is so full of Him that there is no room for anything else to enter in. I want to live a life of purpose. A life doing real work that will last, for the kingdom. I need to be there.
Heidi Baker describes herself as not a miracle worker, a modern day Mother Teresa, or even a devot servant of God, though all are true. She calls herself a little lady in the dirt. She says that once you have seen Jesus' face, you begin to love like otherwise impossible. She must die to herself each day, and compelled by love, she changes lives.
I will certainly be writing more about Heidi and what God is teaching me through her story. But for now…
I am presently battling guilt and lies telling me I'm not good enough. That I don't read my Bible enough, pray enough, or love God well enough. Sound filled with grace to you? Nope. I tell myself it's coming from me because there have been times where I was so on fire I couldn't pray enough, or worship enough, or get enough of the Word. But then there I am judging myself, focusing on me, and not the Cross. It's a battleground out here even before the race has begun. So I want to ask each of you for your prayers. I don't like asking for help, but I need it. And if you've gotten this far in my extra long blog today, then would you also be willing to spare another minute to pray? Pray that I may understand His Love. His Grace. That I may believe it. Pray that I may trust Him fully and completely. Pray that the Enemy's attacks fail utterly. And pray for my team, for their encouragement and strengthening of their faith. Thankful for you each,
Leah <3
Ephesians 3:16-19 "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
