A text conversation between my squad leader and I reads this:
Me: ” Man, this pre race junk is hard and no joke at that. Prayers for mending relationships and digging up roots and peace would be awesome”
Squad Leader: ” Done and done! You’ve got this. God already has the details worked out. Just keep being obedient and walk forward in whatever He gives you.
Me: ” Like if I can be completely honest… I have the dumbest analogy-ish thing right now for how I’m feeling and this is it: I feel like cow manure but I know that somehow that is a good thing because cow manure is used for fertilizer which makes things grow and makes them lush. So however the Lord is using that I am ready to grow and be lush instead of feeling like the cow sh** itself haha”
Now, this may seem a tad bit ridiculous and may even be unruly but this is where I am at and where I have been at since October after training camp. The Lord is completely tearing me apart and putting me back together. This is only the beginning of that, I know. (THE FOLLOWING BLOG MAY BE A LITTLE LENGTHY BUT PLEASE BARE WITH ME, IT’S WORTH IT!)
For the past 2 months it has been nothing but emotion. Sometimes, I find myself sitting, watching Property Brothers on HGTV, crying. I ask myself ALL the time ” Good gracious, why?” Well, the only thing I have been able to come up with is the fact that I am just being broken down to sort out my pieces and putting them back where they belong. It is okay to be soft and SENSITIVE. Yes, I said sensitive. Most people use the word sensitive in a negative way when they are speaking to someone. Usually, it sounds a little like this ” Why are you so sensitive” or “Gosh, you’re so sensitive”. This, my friends, is where I take a stand on that word. Yes, I am sensitive and others on my squad are as well and they are getting the same reactions. IT IS OKAY TO BE THAT WAY! I am not sensitive in the way that I am over reacting, the Lord has just given me the GIFT if sensitivity. It allows me to feel strongly about my feelings or a certain matter. I would rather have too much emotion than no emotion if I can be honest. I like being sensitive, yup, I said it, I like it! Do I feel like it might be too much sometimes? Yes, but that is only on behalf of others. I think it’s touching that I can watch a silly house hunting/ remodeling show such as Property Brothers and be able to feel what the participants are feeling. I think that is really cool!
With that said, I have found myself annoyed with that at times but I really realized on Thanksgiving that I am being extremely softened for a reason.
My family was out of town for Thanksgiving this year and I stayed back because I had to work. I was disappointed because I wanted to go see family that I haven’t seen in a really long time and that I will be adding another year of not seeing them to the list. However, I was extremely blessed to have more than one option to attend for a Thanksgiving meal. I went to the house of a close friend of mine and I couldn’t have asked for a better time! It definitely filled the “void”. However, what happened on the way there? I cried. SHOCKER. It seems to be the norm in my daily life lately. I realized why I was crying though. I was feeling for those that I am going to encounter on my journey and for those that I may never encounter. I was feeling for them in a way that they may not allow themselves to feel because ” there is no point” or “it has and always will be that way” The people I was feeling for are those who don’t have families to spend time with, those who don’t have anywhere to go on Thanksgiving, let alone in general. I was feeling for those who don’t even have people that think about them on a daily basis. I had those feelings because the Lord has laid it upon my heart that I am thinking about them and I will be able to spend time with some of them on my race. Some of those that I was feeling for will now have someone whose mind they are on daily and someone that is going to be praying for the very best for them. It is not only my emotions that I am starting to feel and figure out but it is the emotion that I have for others and longing to be that difference in their lives.
So, cheers to more tears! Bring it on!
