Part of me feels guilty that my first blog on the race is not full of rainbows and unicorns. My hope is to always be honest & truthful with my race, and that includes sharing the good, the bad and the ugly with you.I’ve had some beautiful moments, but I’ve also had some tough ones. This past month for me has been one of revelation, forced stillness & some tears at night on my pillow. It’s been one of battle after battle, one that has left me with a choice.
When we first got to Botswana, my heart was ecstatic. My first month in Port St. John’s was one that challenged me, but left me lifted up and wanting more. Within the first 48 hours here in Bots (as the locals say), I felt an instant heaviness in my spirit & my body physically started to fight sickness.
Four years ago, I was diagnosed with something called Trigeminal Neuralgia (It’s easier to understand if you just google it). Basically, it’s a nerve pain that I can get in spells at a time on the side of my face. This past year, I had no spells until right before I left on the race. God told me in early 2015 that He healed me, and I walked in that freedom & confidence. I knew the spells before my race were spiritual attacks & nothing more.
As the spell started to come, I laid my head down one night and prayed. God clearly spoke to me “This is spiritual, fight.” As I continued to do as much ministry as I could, I was constantly praying but getting frustrated within. I didn’t understand how God told me He healed me but was allowing me in this battle that I thought was already won. I wanted to be myself here, I wanted to have my energy, be fully engaged with my ministry but I was being held back.
After 2 weeks of on & off with the spell, feeling good then feeling bad…I was over it. Not only was I fighting the spells, I was also fighting the flu. I looked at my team, and most of us have been fighting a type of sickness this month. I went to God angry, demanding the spiritual authority I was given to show it’s power.
“I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you.” Luke 10:19
I felt my spirit telling me to fast, not just a food fast but also a vow of silence. This was not the answer I was looking for, I wanted God to blink & my pain to go away. So here I am, pain still going on and now I’m not speaking or eating. I have never been more confused or frustrated. Part of me wanted the fast to allow God’s hands to remove this sickness that was coming over myself & my team. Instead, God showed me something that I didn’t want to see.
We had laid down in the midst of the battle.
Spiritual attacks manifest in the physical. We left doors open and footholds for the devil to use. I became weary in well doing, tired of being on guard, tired of fighting against attacks. The fire, the confidence in His healing, the lense of being aware we are in a spiritual war had been removed. It came like a thief in the night, I was unaware that I was starting to lay down. It became easier to be passive than aggressive.
On this race, I’ve been called a “radical Christian.” Without knowing it or being aware, I let the environment around me dictate my relationship with God. I didn’t want to offend people, I became more aware of how my spending time with God was looking to other people. I was believing lies from the devil; lies that made me warm instead of on fire for Him. Moving away from my time spent with Him caused my fire for Him to dim.
The Bible tells us in Ephesians 6:13-17 to put on the armor of God so that we can resist the enemy.
So, here I am with a choice to make daily. Do I want the warm part of Jesus in my life or the fire for Jesus in my life? Am I willing to fight & put on the armor daily? Am I willing to be a target against the enemy and know that more will come against me? Am I willing to be bold against comments and choose my relationship with Him first?
The truth is, we make these choices daily already. You and I already make these choices every day when we wake up. Who do we give our time to? Who do we seek when trouble comes? Who do we recognize when blessings come? Do we take time out of our day to spend with the one who breathed air into our lungs this morning?This is not a new choice I’ve been given, this is a choice I’ve been shown on the race that’s vital. He is a relentless pursuit, He is one to fight for, He is the reason I woke up today & therefore I will choose to fight for the fire in my spirit.
I choose a radical, on fire, crazy christian relationship with my Lord.
