Currently I'm on a train. The last of three on the agenda today.
Currently most of S Squad is on a train. The last of who knows how many over the last 11 months.
Right now as I type this, Abby and Tim are probably chilling in the airport, buzzing with excitement as they prepare to meet up with our S Squad for their very last piece of The World Race: final debrief. And even though I would give my right arm (and possibly negotiate the sacrifice of other appendages) to be there with them, I can honestly say that I have complete peace where I am.
a romanian train stop. the view of where i am.
I'm alone. On a train. In Romania.
3000 miles away from them.
I should be upset.
I should be bummed.
I should be wishing with everything that I was there.
But I have peace.
I have joy.
And I am overflowing with love.
That doesn't make sense.
It shouldn't be like this.
Or should it?
I'm at peace because I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
One of the most amazing things about The World Race is the way God expounds your ability to love. Entering a new country every month, only to leave 30 days later, was just about impossible on my own. To love and to leave over and over again should have just left hurt. To pour out everything on the kids at Drimnaugh month 1 should have left me with nothing to give months 2 through 11. But with God, who is Love, I somehow had new buckets of affection and life to pour out on unexpecting and expecting children of God alike. It was absolutely incredible to begin operating out of this place of abundance. And between the people we were ministering to and my K Squad, my heart began to swell.
flash back to may 2009 with k squad!
Fast forward a few weeks after my first Race ended. White, Georgia. I met S Squad. I knew from the beginning they were mine. His, but entrusted to me for a season. I was blown away by the depths to which I cared for them. 61 people I had never met before made my heart flutter and chest swell even before I knew their names. How is that possible? How can it be? I blamed it on the excitement of Training Camp at first, but couldn't deny that it had to be from the Lord when the camp high faded, but my S Squad addiction remained. God gave me a 4 month fix. In that time not only did my love for them explode, but my love for myself and my love for my God were ignited like a wildfire. The sweet tears that were shed for them, the passion of the fight I yearned to provide for them, the new found peaks of joy reached at their sides. It was all good and it was all Him.
the very first picture of S squad last July
Jump ahead to the present. Yep, still on a train and 7 hours to go. And it's a a new story, yet surprisingly the same. Stepping out to lead X Squad was relatively easy for me in the physical. It was the emotional that I doubted. When I was entrusted with 44 new World Racers, 44 more royal children of God, I felt it. The weight of it was heavy, but in a good way I can't quite describe. But it was the love that I hesitated to believe in. Stemming from the Love that I hesitated to trust. How in the world can I balance this God? How do I fully step into what you're calling me forth in, and not take away from my loves on the field? How do I show them the same love? How do I share all of my heart? These are just examples of my wrestlings before Launch with X. A wise friend stepped in at one point and said, "Lauren, the Lord is not calling you to give 50% here and 50% here. He's calling you to give 100%. To all of them. Over and over again." And that's when it hit me: the love I had was never mine to begin with. It always always always starts with Love's love. Since realizing that, I've had coronary after coronary as my physical heart continues to be undone at the love I have for X Squad. It's indescribable how desperately I want everything for them and how earnestly I want to give them all I have. But they need more than what I can offer. Which is bringing me to a place of deeper intimacy with my Father, knowing that in order to have anything at all of value for them, it has to come from Him. So to Him I have been going. There is absolutely no sweeter place than the presence of God, than the throne room, than lying at His feet or laying in his arms. That's where Love is found.
last month with three X teams in Moldova
So today S Squad starts the celebration of a lifetime. One of freedom, one of joy, one of praise and of worship, one that screams of God's goodness and faithfulness, of His mercy and grace. And, of course, of His love. Sure, I would love to hear Josh and Alana lead worship one more time. Yeah, I'd love to go on coffee dates with Christy and Angela, hug Erica's neck, and poke Keryn in the side where her appendix once was. "High-fiving" Matt and finding some new way to bug Greg would be a blast. I could sing "m-a-c g-r-e gooooor" and play cards with Angie for hours, definitely. But that's not where I am; that's not where He has me. He has me wrapped up, drowning, deep in His love. And there's absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt no place I would rather be, than here in His love.
and don't worry, Abby is making sure I make it to India in some way! and in style!
(that's my face on a popsicle stick, complete with wardrobe!)
**also, i am still on the hunt for monthly supporters. i am in need about about $2000 to cover expenses while out the field with X Squad and $2000 to be able to make it out to their month 8 and 11 debriefs. i would be honored if you would consider partnering with me financially or prayerfully on this journey! thank you!**
