For a long time I’ve been told that I’m an independent person. I like to do things for myself and by myself, and I happen to like it that way, too.
Since I was little I’ve been in survivor mode. I grew up in a broken home; my dad committed suicide when I was 5 and my mom was a drug addict for most of my childhood. She often went missing for days leaving it up to me to feed, clothe and take care of myself.
I carried this self-reliance into my later years in life. I was placed in a new home when I was 9 and again when I was 16. Though my living conditions got better I faced other hardships that continued to shape the young woman I was becoming. I learned early on to think and act for myself and to “get through” life the best I could.
But with all the bad in my life I had lots of good, too. I had mentors and friends that helped me through the dark times and I began to learn more about God and the role that he plays in my life. I began to know and accept God as my Father and how he gives grace to those who turn to him and repent. With these new revelations in my life I was able to find joy and strength in my Savior while turning away from a lot of hurt and sin that was keeping me from experiencing the love of God.
Though I’ve realized and accepted these truths years ago I’ve often forgotten them and fallen back on my own strength and understanding to get by. For a while now I’ve been so caught up in taking care of myself that I was no longer hearing from God. I felt like everything I did to try to connect and hear from God was in vain. I didn’t understand why it was so hard to hear from him and why my relationship with him was so distant.
I vented a lot of this frustration one night to Jenny, one of my teammates. After listening to me she began to ask me some hard questions, like who God is to me and what my relationship to Christ looks like. I didn’t have answers. Though I was glad she was asking the right questions I was more frustrated than before. I read the Bible, prayed, and even tried to clear my thoughts with all my might so that just maybe God would see my effort and he would end this period of silence I was feeling.
I got nothing.
A few days later I picked up Kingdom Journeys by Seth Barnes and started to read the chapter on dependence. I began to realize that trusting in God was not something I automatically inherited when I accepted Christ as my savior but it’s a choice, one that is essential for God’s power to be revealed in me. I also realized that the disconnect I was experiencing came from a long time of trusting in my own strength to give me everything I need. Without really having to ask for it I’ve received 3 meals a day, clothes, and a roof over my head, even in a remote country like Moldova.
But God doesn’t want me to make decisions on my own and to rely on my own strength for the things I need. He wants to be the Lord over my life, leading me and directing me in which way I go. He wants me to ask him for direction in the big things AND the little things. He wants me to depend on him.
Though I’m still learning what fully depending on God looks like, I’m learning that the ability to hear him is that much easier when I do.
Matthew 6:31-33: Do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
