I couldn't hold it in any longer. Quietly, and as inconspicuously as possible, I began to cry. And as a small group of my squad mates prayed for me, and the tears fell out, something began to happen in my heart. The pain and the bitterness that I had been holding on to for so long began to fade away…
The first few days of camp, we heard a lot about "grieving the losses" of our lives. Our speakers pressed home the truth that, "We must grieve the painful losses of the past seasons of our lives before we can effectively embrace the present and the future."
And while all that they said rang true, when it came time to evaluate my own heart and my own losses, I had a hard time.
I tend to be a very internal person. There are exactly three people who I share my true feelings with (if they press me). So, as I was sitting in a room with nearly 300 other future racers, trying to think of things that I needed to grieve, it wasn't easy.
I've had a trouble-free life. Sure, there have been small things, but I've never had a messy break up, my parents aren't divorced, and I didn't have a bad childhood. While the people around me were crying, my eyes stayed dry.
But as the day went on, I slowly began to realize that my issues with trust, with fear, and with commitment came from a place of loss – loss of identity, loss of relationships, and loss of seasons. They came from a place of holding back that loss. For so long I had believed the lie that my hurt should be hidden – that pain and vulnerability are weaknesses – but that's just not true. The reality is that hidden pain is weakness. Pride is weakness.
Honesty and vulnerability are what take strength. Loving even when there's a possibility that you'll lose it all, takes strength. Confessing that you're broken, admitting that you're lost, asking for help – that is what takes strength.
As this began to become clear to me, I didn't ask for help, but I admitted that I needed prayer, and that is where the healing began. And you know what, it wasn't pretty. It wasn't clean. It hurt. It was hard to be vulnerable and it was hard to be real. But as that week went on and I slowly let go of my control, that hurt turned to joy. And that joy began to overflow from the depths of my heart, to every aspect of my life.
I was set free from the pains of the past and again able to embrace the present moment and the future. In doing so, I was able to return home with a refreshed spirit, a new understanding of love and mercy, with a new hope, and with a new freedom.
Sure, there are still areas of my life where I have a hard time extending grace. There are still people in my life that I need to forgive. There are still relationships that I haven't completely moved on from. There are still losses that hurt.
But, here's the thing…God has bound up my hurt. He's healing the wounds of the past. He has loved me through every moment of pain and been right there, in the midst of it, with me. I've never been forgotten. I've never been abandoned. I've never been alone in my struggles. And neither have you. And neither are you.
Truth is; if you've lived, then you've lost. Perhaps it's time to evaluate your own heart. So, here's my challenge to you – take some time and get alone with God. Dig deep in your heart and ask yourself these questions.
- What losses do I need to grieve? [Loss of a loved one? Loss of a job? Loss of identity? Loss of a season?]
- Who do I need to forgive? [A friend? A family member? Myself? God?]
You are cherished and deeply loved by the Father. He wants to heal you. He wants to cradle you in His arms and comfort you. It's His desire to restore you. Will you let Him?
"Trust him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
