So, I got to have a really good talk with God last night.
How I truly cherish moments like that of pure intimacy, where the world and its
requirements seem to disappear, and I can just chat mano to womano with the God
I love 🙂
I was laying in bed, uncharacteristically early, after
journaling at an ease I have truly been missing lately, and got to just talk to
God. Of course, my support account came up. Many have asked me lately if I am
worried, worried that I could potentially be going home in 6 days, if $1375
does not appear in my account. I can honestly say, and have, that I am not. Long gone, have been the days of
questioning whether or not I am where I am supposed to be, and whether or not
God can or will provide. So long gone in fact that I haven’t worried about it
in a while. I have toiled over it, I have prayed over it, I haven’t gotten
anywhere near to losing sight of the reality of the urgency, but I have not
worried that it will not come.
So then, as I was laying there, talking to my daddy, I
realized that while such assurance is a good thing, that does not mean I have
had the right attitude about it. SO rather than assure myself by speaking for
Him, as I have so often in my prayer lately, I had to ask…. “IS this what you
have for me, not then, but now, and in the 8 months to come?”
He answered in the affirmative, as I was sure He would, but
granted me such an epiphany in the conversation. I seem to have accepted some
sense of entitlement. Unintentional, sure, but in the assurance of God’s
promise, I seemed to have lost so much of the humility such a need requires. For that I most definitely had to
repent, and did. I had come to Him, eager and excited in my prayers, but had
for so long stopped listening. Rather
than converse, I was doing all the talking, I was doing all the reassuring, and
I was denying the very one meeting my needs the chance to comfort and assure me
in them as well.
I am so thankful for encounters with God such as the one I
had last night. So thankful that my God, the God, loves me enough to teach me,
to humble me, and to patiently allow my head to get big, just so that in the
deflating of it, I can fall even more in love with Him. I am thankful for a
heart which has once again been humbled, thankful for a need which habitually
teaches me not to just depend on God, but to seek Him constantly. I am so
thankful that He is who He is and I am who I am, because what a blessing it
truly is to be His creation.
I am still not worried that the money will come, but am so thankful
that it hadn’t so far met my need, because my heart needed to be humbled, my
attitude needed to be checked, and my God deserved so much more honor than I
was granting Him. So it is with a greatly humbled heart that I ask you to join
me in prayer and support, and if you are able that you would donate to my
account, allowing God to use you that I may continue to serve Him in this way.
I ask, with a vulnerable and honest heart, not because I am entitled any of it,
but because I have faith that God is moving in great ways, not only in my heart
but in yours 🙂
