“I could not have known
then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons;
they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and
I want to change because it is God’s way… Everybody has to leave, everybody has
to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons…
I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in
me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep
walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to
figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.” -Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts
I was born with a restless soul. Something
inside of me has always yearned for frequent change, habitually propelling me
to do and try different things. I have gone through a series of ideas of what I
will do with my life. Throughout various points in my life, I have dreamed of
being everything from a teacher, to a mechanical engineer, to a successful trial
lawyer, to a farmer (believe it or not). I realize that everyone goes through
different phases of life dreams, but I have always been on the more extreme end
of the mind-changing spectrum. I don’t just change what I want to do, but where
I want to do it—Indianapolis, Chicago, St. Louis, hey, why not Colorado or
Washington state? Why stop there, let’s move to Italy, shall we?
From an outside perspective, this can easily
appear as a non-contentment in my spirit—that I am not satisfied with the
circumstances that I have been placed in for the moment. I know that I have
caused some frustration for my family because until this point I have not been
able to articulate that this is my nature, that this is how the Creator made
me. I know that all frustration has been born out of concern about my well
being, and I truly appreciate those feelings because I know they utterly love
me more than they can express and want the best for my life. But I feel free
now; I’m walking in the truth that this longing for change in my soul is
exactly who I am supposed to be. This is one of the most important things that
I have learned about myself since being on the Race. Along with figuring this
out, I have realized that just because I try new things does not mean that my
family and friends in the Midwest will ever stop being my foundation. What
Miller writes fully resonates with me: “Everybody has to leave, everybody has
to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new
reasons.”
[I know that I told you all that I would be out
of contact for a month, until the end of December. Nothing has changed. This
blog has been emailed to the home office by our leader and posted by them. I
will receive all of your comments and emails when we leave this country. Our
time here has been wonderful and I have really been able to press in. Please
keep lifting us all up. I love you all so much!]
