Exactly 488 days ago, four words shattered my world.
It was 4:00 on a Friday afternoon, I was getting ready for the first football game of the school year when my name was called from the living room. I scurried down to find my mom on the couch, a blank look on her face. Without adjusting her expression, she asked, “Was Lucas at school today?” Lucas Guajardo, my very best friend, my sidekick, my person, the only human on this planet (ok, not including my family) that I would die for. I answered back, not even thinking, “No, he wasn’t, but he’s playing in the game tonight.” Silence took over the room. It wasn’t until this moment that I knew what it meant to say, “the silence was deafening”.
Ten seconds later my mom said four words that changed everything – “Lucas committed suicide today.” I fell down, letting the screaming and crying take my breathe away. No, there’s no way. He was doing so good this week. He seemed so strong. It wasn’t him. There’s another Lucas at my school. It had to be that Lucas. There’s no way it was my Lucas.
488 days later, January 16th, 2016. Today is Lucas’s 18th birthday.
Everyone says that after a time like that, you eventually learn how to move on and that you come to know what growth and change truly mean. Well I’m here to say that this is just absolutely not true. it’s been over a year and nothing has changed nor has anything gotten easier. It’s never not going to hurt to hear his name, or look at pictures, it’s never going to get easier to talk about him or share our memories. Hearing someone say “suicide” or “gun” will always make me tense up. And you know, if things were still normal, I’d be out with Lucas getting his first (legal) tattoo right now, legal because he’d probably have a few already. But I’m not, instead, I’m sitting here thinking about how I’m glad I haven’t moved on and I’m oh so extremely happy that my memories haven’t changed.
Earlier today, while reading over my trip profile, I couldn’t keep myself from wishing that Lucas was here to tell me what he thinks about my trip. Oh how I wish he could be here in September to take me to the airport, or here in May to welcome me home. I wish he could be here, following my squadmates on instagram, trying to predict which ones I’m going to get along with best (although I love ALL of them!).
But then I realized that the Lord isn’t only going to “grant” all of my wishes, but he is going to do so much more with them. That’s when I realized that he grants all of our basic wishes and then some! Exodus 23:20 says, “See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.” Not only is Lucas going to be with me at the airports and on all of the flights, not only will he be by my side for the ENTIRE trip, but he is also going to go before I do and get everything ready for me! It’s a good thing that he knows just what I like. And who needs instagram? He can literally see all of us right now, he is watching over my teammates just like he’s watching over me. He’s getting to know them better than I am and he’s not only preparing my future homes for me, but for them as well.
The Lord is so amazing in his ways, even in situations that cause so much pain and hurt. It brings me so much comfort when I realize that Lucas is going to be with me and my wonderful teammates on the other side of the world, even on September 11th and January 16th.
Sincerely, Lauren McCarter
P.S. If ya feel like donating, you really should do it (here on my blog)! Fundraising goals are still a thing, even on my sad days!!
