I’ve wanted a tattoo for a long time now but I didn’t always know what I wanted. I knew that if I were ever going to actually get one, it would have to be really meaningful to me. I wasn’t going to take something permanent so lightly. For the longest time I thought of getting “And if our God is with us, then who could stand against?” from the song “Our God” by Chris Tomlin. This song does have a lot of meaning to me but something was still off, so I never got it.
At launch, as I’ve mentioned, I was a mess. I was in a dark and broken hole, terrified to go on the race and face my wounds. I spent some time with God, desperately seeking His comfort, and He gave me the words “Confident in Love”. At the time these words felt pretty empty. They didn’t bring me comfort and they didn’t really make sense to me or what I was facing in the moment. But after I left, I quickly came to realize, it is the theme for my race, and more than that, it is the theme for the biggest heart transformation God has ever done in my life.
In the first few months (Bolivia, Peru and Ecuador), when I was pushing through hurt and pain and fighting for freedom, these words were all about trust. It was God calling me to trust in His perfect and unfailing love for me. It was a call to believe, with everything in my being, that God was going to bring me through such a difficult season. A call to believe that God wouldn’t allow such pain if it didn’t mean absolute and complete healing. Through this season I grew very confident in the fact that God loves me abundantly. It’s a truth I never would have fully believed without going through the storm and without witnessing His faithfulness first hand. I have come to know more than I ever thought possible, how deep and wide and great and GLORIOUS His love is for me and I rest in that daily.
The following few months (Ecuador, Colombia, Japan, Malaysia), I entered a season of thanksgiving and joy. I had a deep desire to grow into who God was calling me to be. In Peru He revealed to me that I have been silenced by the devil. I believed the lie that my words couldn’t be used to bring God’s life, love and healing. I believed that my words couldn’t be used to inspire or bring change. So when God laid something on my heart to say, I kept quiet. In Colombia I started to feel the call to break the lies and speak. In Malaysia, many words were spoken over me about the power and impact of my voice. I started to really grow in boldness. I decided it was time to break these lies and embrace God’s truth. It was time to grow confident in God’s love that works through me. I am a vessel. I am His hands and feet and His voice. Since Colombia I’ve been stepping up to preach, to own up to and apologize for mistakes and to speak the truth that God wants me to say to people. Although there is still plenty of room for growth, I have come so far in the last few months. I am growing in the truth that God uses my words to share His love that is in me.
From this moment and for at least the next couple of months, God is teaching me to further be confident in the love that He has for me. He’s asking me to whole-heartedly trust that He not only desires the best for me but that He HAS the best for me. I’m becoming so confident in His love for me that I’m learning not to depend on my own plans for my life, but to instead depend on the incredible plans He has that I can’t even imagine. Every time I forget to trust in His best and I try to rely on my own ideas of happiness, I’m reminded of my current life. My plans for myself after college were drastically different. If I followed my path I would be in an entirely different place in every way. But because God’s plans were allowed to take over my life, I have found every passion and dream (some I didn’t realize I had) abundantly satisfied. I have experienced so many new cultures, seen so many incredible places and met so many amazing people. I’ve been living a beautiful, wonderful, crazy life. I have random and amazing stories and experiences that I never could have dreamed of. I’ve learned to trust His voice in many ways throughout life, and am still learning to trust Him in areas I’ve never let Him into before.
The overall way this has played out on the race is through me learning to open up my heart to God. I’ve grown confident in His love for me. I’m growing confident in the fact that His love flows through me, and now I’m growing confident that I can vulnerably and open-heartedly run to Him and love Him. He has taken me on an amazing journey of His great love. It has transformed my heart and soul. I am made new. This love is overflowing and I can’t help but be different than I was. This journey of love God has taken me on has been the most incredible one yet. And what makes it even better? It’s a journey that will never truly end until I meet my loving Father in heaven.
Fun Fact: My sister, Sarah, designed the tattoo for me. It just makes it that much more meaningful! Thanks Sarah 🙂
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