For so many years I’ve put things before Christ, and I still do. Back in September I gave my hand in marriage to God. I promised Him that I won’t even give my heart to anyone until He says “ok baby this is the one”. Even to this date I put so many things in front of my Lord. I could list them, but we all know what they are. When people say they are missing something and feel lost and scared, it is many times because they have so many other priorities before God, separating them from God. God is our protector and our helper and our strong tower, He is in short, our everything. When we put things in front of God, that is when we feel lost or scared, because we have put Him far away from what He says He is to us.
This month has been the hardest yet, not just because its almost the end, but He is breaking me. I see it, feel it, and know it. It is unbelievable pain. Testing me inside and out. Strengthening me with His iron.
My attitude is breaking me and maybe everyone around me. I’m not happy, someone told me that maybe I would never be happy and to just deal with it. We all know how honest I am, and today as I’m writing this I feel like all I can do is be honest.
I’ve seen so much. No blog or words could describe. No perfect picture of a naked, homeless, aids infested baby with flies in there eyes can make you see. No perfect video of the lost woman selling her body can make you understand. I think for so many months the reason why I haven’t been able to write blogs is because there is just so much. So much in the world and within me.
Of course one of the reasons why we write blogs is so you can come along side us and get to see what God is doing through us. But until you experience it yourself you’ll never understand.
So many people say that they are jealous of what I’m doing. My reply is, “I dare you!”.
If you are looking for a peaceful missions trip this isn’t it. Maybe for me it wasn’t because instead of running from my problems, I ran directly in front of them, facing them scared as hell. Facing 24 years of baggage looks like a dump site of unworthiness and can be unbearable.
Jesus, thank you for dying for me! And taking away the baggage that was there and that sometimes I still see, but only when that pile comes back. One bag at a time we open it wash it and fold it. Than in a separate area I create new beautiful piles.
I’m the type of person that wants it now, but patience is a process that you feel like will take years.
I wish what we were doing was some kind of vacation, but sometimes, really, its hell. You maybe have read peoples blogs about abandoning everything and giving everything up for God, but its so much more. Its taking off all the fig leaves and standing naked in front of your God and the world.
You can walk in the freedom and all the truths, but there are also lessons that you have to learn through pain and suffering. And I believe that’s how you get your inheritance.
Sometimes I think that’s why so many people can’t not raise the dead and have the power that they could have, because He cant trust you with His power. He looks at your heart not your flesh.
Saying all this I have another blog in progress…
Again this is my mind.
