On March 29th, 2017, my Gram finally got to see Jesus face to face after 76 incredibly well-lived years on this earth. She wasn’t taken as we anticipated, and yes it was shocking, but this was ordained by our Lord long before Wednesday afternoon occurred.
Up until this point, I haven’t had words. How does one process this sort of tragedy that affected not only my family, but countless others in the community of New Braunfels and the surrounding area? Clinging to the goodness of the Lord, even when life isn’t good, is vital. It’s not just A way to get through it, but the ONLY way to endure.
The Lord protected me on the night of the 29th. While I usually go to sleep around midnight or 1AM, I found myself abnormally exhausted, unable to keep my eyes open at around 8:30PM my time, which is around the time things started to unfold back home about the accident my Gram was in. I woke up the next morning to text messages from friends simply saying, “I love you”, missed FaceTime calls, Facebook messages, and far too many Viber calls from my dad. My friend and teammate Callie had actually sent one of the text messages on my phone that night, and the message contained a link to the accident report on FOX, thinking that I would want to know what was happening in New Braunfels. Before I had the chance to click on it, though, I got yet another call from my Dad. I ran out of my room, asking him what happened. He told me to surround myself with friends before he told me. I didn’t want to hear that, I just wanted him to tell me then and there. However, right after he said that, my host mom, Ma, walked into the room. I held my shaking hand out to her and asked her to come to me.
My dad told me the news, and Ma held me in her arms.
There’s not a code for how someone will react when you get news like this. All I could do was scream and cry, while Ma hugged me and supported me. The rest of my team came running in, along with my host dad, Pa. Without knowing what was happening, they were by my side. It was early, and it was our one day a week we could sleep in, but they were there.
I got off the phone with my dad and told them what had just happened. My teammates have been there for a lot with me, especially Callie, given we’ve been on the same team together the whole race. They knew my heartache, and they carried my burdens the best they could. They even offered to stay back from ministry that day because they know my love language is quality time. What a beautiful picture of community they were and are to me.
I sat on the couch in silence with Callie – there was nothing to say. Then I heard a soft whisper,
“I think you need to go home,” and I realized it was Callie speaking to me.
My flesh wanted to push that thought away. I started this race and I was going to finish it. There wasn’t anything going to stand in the way of that.
And then I backed up. I was so quick to dismiss this thought, but maybe it was exactly what I needed. I thought about it some more, first to myself, and then I told Callie I thought she might be right. I texted my sister my thought, telling her not to tell my dad yet because I didn’t think he would like this conclusion I had come to. What I got back was quite unexpected:
“We already talked about it. If you want to come home, we’ll find a way. We all support you.”
I spent the rest of the day talking to people from home, my mentors, my family and my leadership team for the race, and what unanimous decision was that I leave South Africa to come home.
This was one of the toughest decisions of my life. Maybe even harder than deciding to come on the race in the first place. To be so close to the end, but feel the need to be with family is painful, but it’s not something I think I will regret. I weighed the options all day in my head, trying to figure out what decision would please God…but I don’t think this one was black and white. Biblically, even, there was a mourning period for those left behind after a loved one’s passing. I really haven’t had that for any of the deaths I’ve experienced on the race, and I think the Lord is finally giving me a permission to do so.
I don’t know exactly when I will be heading home, but I know it’s soon, and I know it’s what I need to be doing. My leadership team graciously gave me their blessing to go, and when I told my host mom, her reaction was not one of sadness. Instead, she embraced me in a hug and said, “Praise the Lord.” I am leaving, and it is good.
Of course, there is such a sadness in leaving the place I have fallen in love with so much, and even more so my squad. My heart breaks at the goodbyes I may not get to say to everyone. However, the time I have gotten to spend with them has been the best of my life, and I do not say that lightly. These are world changers, difference makers, and Kingdom bringers. What an honor and a privilege it has been to do life side by side with them in the good and hard seasons that life has thrown at all of us as we have run our race. I pray nothing but the best for them as they head into month 9.
I am at peace. In fact, the longer I stay on the field, the more restless I get. I know this is no longer where I need to be, and it’s time to move on. There is Kingdom work to be done at home and in my own family.
I know this comes as a shock to many…it’s coming as a shock to me. This is not what I wanted or what I planned, but I cannot express the feeling I have in my heart that it’s the correct next step. For my supporters and friends, I understand if you may have questions. I would, too. Feel free to share and ask as you please, I will be more than happy to answer. Your love, finances and prayers have meant the world to me over the past year and a half. I could not have experienced all I have without you. Thank you.
I do ask, though, that my first few days I have at home will only be spent with my family. I feel like that time with them is imperative now more than ever. I will see everyone around and about eventually, and I will love telling everyone about the past year of my life. Thank you, in advance, for allowing for the space and time my family and I need together.
Lastly… I just want to publicly thank my Jesus for the past 8 months. They were filled with heartache and pain, but with JOY unspeakable!! I know Him better than ever as Abba, comforter, and friend. I’m coming home a month early, but I am still coming home completely changed.
Texas, I’ll see you soon.
