(Written on 2/10/13)
One thing they tell us not to do on the Race, is to think too much about the future. We are encouraged to remain present and involved in what’s right in front of us. This has been easy for me…until now. With only 3 more months of the Race, it’s hard not to think about what’s ahead. There is the majority of me that wants my mind to remain on the details of the present moment, but there is the other part that wants to be responsible, and it comes down to trust. There is 95% of me that is all in right now, and then there is the other 5% that wants to know what’s ahead and is riddled again by fear. Let me give you a little example of where my head has been this month…
I was sitting in a hammock one day, and my mind began to wander to many random thoughts. The first one started out positive. I was laying there thinking how awesome it was that the Lord knew before I was created that I would be swinging in that hammock on a beautiful morning in Cambodia drinking iced coffee from a bag. He knew I would be exhausted after teaching my first class of the last day of the week after teaching 7 hours a day for a week. He knew He would give me the energy to go on to the next 3 classes for the day. When I was stressing about what my future was going to look like a few years ago, He looked ahead at me relaxing in Cambodia, smiled, and shook His head at my petty toil. He had already chosen me to be in front of these 50+ kids for 30+ hours a week. He had already chosen me to love them and to teach them and to be Him in the flesh for that time of their lives. What an honor!
After this thought, my mind began to wander again, only this time it was down a less positive trail. I began stressing about my future. REALLY?! After realizing how perfect His plans are, I began to not trust Him. The past two months I had been confident in being ok not knowing what was next. I was simply going to go home and be obedient. Now, I was looking ahead and stressing out because I didn’t know what it was all going to look like or how it would all work out. I began to question my “integrity of spirit” and what that means. Why would I be confident and trust the Lord some days and then not trust Him and have fear the next? How do I remain steadfast in my spirit? What are the things that cause the doubt to come?
That same night, I had another moment of fear. I missed my community back home. I have been blessed with incredible people in my life. I knew this before leaving, but have grown even more thankful for them, realizing that not everyone is blessed with that after talking to people on my squad. This community knows the Lord, and encourages each other to look more like Him. I was fantasizing going back to those people who knew me. The people I don’t have to explain things to or give background stories to because they know why I think the way I do, or why I react the way I do. These people are the people I will ultimately go back to again and get to do life with. Did I invest in them enough while I was gone? Do they still know me in the same way they did before? Do I still know them in the same way? Will they recognize me when I get home? Do I know enough about their lives, especially after these last coming 4 months where internet is slim to none? Will I feel like an outsider? The truth is that in the last 8 months, I viewed going home as being easy and pictured myself jumping right back in. The reality is that it’s not going to be easy. It’s actually going to be really hard. I wasn’t there for their every day details of life like I was before. I wasn’t there for big life events or big life decisions in the past 11 months. There are many things they will talk about that I will feel excluded from. There will be many things that they see in me or hear from me that they won’t understand because they weren’t with me either. I feel like in those times, I may be tempted to very briefly ask myself if it was worth it. It will be in those times that I will look back and remember the relationships, the experience, the growth– both in my character and also in my depth with the Lord. I will struggle against the flesh and be thankful that I know exponentially more about the Lord and myself than when I started, and thankful that there is always more.
It’s moments like that day, that I will look back on months like this and think of…
Talking with my high school students about the Lord and how they want to change their country with the good news of Christ.
My precious little ones singing the truth that “Jesus Loves Me.”
Me sharing the character of God and what it means to love at my Cambodian church, talking about month one of the Race in Honduras.
My 15-year-old friend/student coming and sitting in the hammock with me and chatting about life. Then sharing headphones listening to “10,000 Reasons” by Matt Redman as he mumbles the verses he doesn’t know in English and belts the chorus he has grown to love in a loud, completely off-key, yet precious voice. Then he repeats the song and sings again 3 more times because it’s the only one he knows and he can’t help but worship the Lord.
These are the things that will make me say it was all absolutely worth it. These are the things that will make me smile and say I would do it all again in a heart-beat if the Lord asked me to. These are the things that will quiet the fears of the future.
When I look ahead now, I want to remind myself to first look back before I get overwhelmed. Back then I struggled to trust the Lord with my future and look where He has me today. It is good. HE is good. Instead of dwelling on the unknown, I want to dwell on His goodness and know that I can trust Him with the things I can’t yet see because He saw them before I took my first breath.
