My team was assigned with the ministry "ATL" (Ask the Lord) for our month of Vietnam. In other words, we weren't paired with a contact, or set ministry, and were left to our own devices: prayer and, for me, time for personal reflection. During the month, I thought a lot about my life back home and what role I played in my relationships. As I have grown to love my Christian community here on the race, the thought of being away from it pained me.
Don't get me wrong! I am extremely excited to come home, but it will definitely be a readjustment, or what we've come to know as the "re-entry process." Anyways, I pulled this from my journal from my time back in Vietnam. It was a prayer so I feel a little vulnerable in posting it here, BUT here it is!
3:44 PM, August 14, 2013 (Edited and formatted for aesthetics)
“Heavenly Father,
Why?! Why did You choose me? Why do I continuously yearn for you Lord? I find myself chasing after You. I grow closer, but I want to be closer still. Fill me until I am overflowing; I cannot get enough.
Was I more content in my naive faith when I didn't know Your depth? …I was never completely ignorant, because I had a hint of who You were. And I can't say that it was blissful, because even then, when I didn't fully know You, You were calling me. Even in my most restful moments, I knew You were what was stirring within me.
Why? Why do You keep your eye on me; You won't let me slip from Your hand. When I was farthest from You, You found a way to reach me. You spoke clearly to me when I didn't know the sound of Your voice. I knew it was You, but I didn't want to respond. Leave me alone! Did You surround me with people to love just to pull me away from them?
I don't understand, but I know You are an all-knowing God…You know me better than I know myself. And because You call me, I'll follow You wherever You lead. In my submission to you, my Lord, I've seen You in another light. You've shown yourself to me. You are more real then I ever imagined, more powerful than I can comprehend.
Nothing compares to being in Your presence. I am starry eyed when Your love runs through me, and extends out to Your people. I have compassion for strangers because Your spirit, who is within me, loves relentlessly.
Why God? Why have You sought me out?! Why have You brought me to this place. It's because I am in awe of You, and the mystery of Your ways, that I find myself alone. People see me, but they don't recognize it's You within me that loves them. People hear my words, but they choose not to understand. They sense my honesty, but don't want to hear what is true.
Which is more painful: To be surrounded by people I know personally, and love dearly who consciously choose a life distant from my savior? Or to be in a foreign country surrounded by people I don't know, but who hunger for truth? How my heart aches at the thought that You are intangible to those I love. Lord, why can't they see You? Show Yourself to them, not me!
It's like there's a barrier, a barrier thicker than language…a spiritual barrier; a hardening of the heart that cannot be broken through. A language barrier seems transparent to your spirit. For when I speak of Your name in other countries, my words are lost, but Your spirit still breaks through. They don't understand me, but they can sense Your presence. They sense You, because You are in me. They know it is You, because You are the truth they've been searching for.
I am fulfilled when through me, You reveal Yourself to Your people. Through Your work, through my hands, my purpose is made complete. Yet still my heart is all the more broken when those I love cannot see you. I am made heavy because I love them and want them to see themselves as I do through Your eyes. My heart aches because You, who dwells within me, loves them more than I ever could.
Why must I be burdened this way Lord? Guard this heart You've created. Lead me and I will follow You, but be kind in where You call me, for I dread the heartache of Your rejection. I will love Your people because You love ever more, but oh Lord, protect my evangelist heart.
Amen”
Hoi An, Vietnam
