Going into the Race, I knew these 11 months would pull me out of my comfort zone.
My expectation of how that would play out was almost completely limited to being pulled out of my physical comfort zone.
Sitting in a bar, drinking a Coke, chatting with a new friend who just so happens to be a “ladyboy”? Check.
Sleeping on the floor in an airport (and a train station, and in a bus station), dozing on a tuk-tuk during an hour ride back to the village from Phnom Penh, and (not) sleeping on an overnight bus ride to Siem Reap? Check.
Jumping off a cliff in Zimbabwe, freefalling 21 stories towards the Zambezi River? Check.
It is so easy to avoid discomfort at home- I come from America, for Pete’s sake, we have mastered the art of comfort!
If I’m hot, I find air conditioning.
If I’m cold, I grab some coffee and my favorite sweatshirt.
If I’m hungry, (or bored, or sad, or frustrated) it’s ridiculously easy to find something amazing to eat.
If I’m tired, I sleep (in my, oh-so-comfy bed).
If mosquitoes are biting me, I go inside (and there are no mosquitoes there! Unlike in Africa! Where they are everywhere, including buzzing around me as I type this in my hostel!)
I expected the Race to challenge my physical comfort zone (and it has!) but, oh, honey, that was just the beginning.
Emotional comfort zone? Yikes.
I have been torn open more times than I care to admit. Often, you can find me running around, arms full of myself, attempting to pick up the pieces I seem to constantly fall into. If that’s not uncomfortable enough, the “powers that be” keep changing the team dynamics so I always seem to be redefining and redrawing the emotional boundary lines I work so hard to maintain.
Back home, it’s very easy to avoid emotional discomfort. For years, I have ignored and blocked out negative emotions by avoiding and blocking out people I have an emotional tie to.
Easy? Meh.
Healthy? Not at all.
Effective? I’d say so.
Those patterns have been challenged and are changing (Lord, help me!).
Spiritual comfort zone? Oh, buddy. Now we’re getting somewhere.
I came into the Race with a set of beliefs that I knew to be true. Founded in my childhood, these beliefs have been sharpened over the years by living in a conservative western church-based culture.
In my teens, I began to question what I had been taught, but this questioning was mild. I realized “other” stories had merit and “other” opinions were valid, but the only “other” stories and opinions I accepted were ones I could still, pretty much, agree with. I pushed boundaries in areas I knew were safe; I knew the answers would only affirm what I already knew because I surrounded myself with people who thought like I did.
For too long I based how well I was doing with God on how well I could recite the “correct” facts based on the doctrine of the church I was attending at the time. I could spew conservative Christian doctrine like you wouldn’t believe- I have lived a life asking questions I already know the answers to and I was (am?) judgmental and critical of those whose answers weren’t “right” enough.
Now…. I want to ask new questions! I want to listen!
Listen to- and discuss!- new ideas, bring them to God, chew on them for a little bit, while allowing them to do whatever God wants them to do, and then move on, celebrating the new perspective different ideas bring.
God is good! He is changing my heart! I’m finding where I would usually respond with shouts of “Heresy!” I am actually listening and attempting to understand the point that is being made.
I still have an emotional response when I hear something that goes too forcefully against something I have always believed- like a shot of adrenaline or a punch to the face- and I am ready to fight.
Why? Why does a different opinion cause me to respond so forcefully?
I have heard a few people discuss this question and what it comes down to is identity. We tend to find our identity in what we believe and when someone says something that goes against what we have always “known” to be true, it shakes the foundation we have built and threatens that identity. Besides, if someone can question this aspect of my faith, what’s to stop them from poking holes in other aspects? What if they cause me to doubt major points of my faith?
I have realized that if I continue to define myself by what I believe (conservative, Christian, Baptist-raised, non-denominational, Calvinist, etc…..) of course I am going to flip out when someone challenges my viewpoint- a threat to my worldview is a threat to who I am.
Fortunately, my beliefs don’t define my real identity.
My identity doesn’t stem from what I understand, but from God, who understands me completely. A different (better?) understanding of God doesn’t change who I am.
I am fully known, fully saved, fully secure, fully justified, fully loved, and fully complete in Christ.
Exploring and getting to know Him more shouldn’t be a threat to my pride or ego or identity- but a joy!
I’m losing my religion. Or, perhaps, more accurately, I am losing the religious limitations that I have placed on God and the box I have trapped my faith in. I’m being jettisoned from my “religiosity” into something I don’t understand and can’t quantify.
Now, you may ask, how crazy am I talking? How far off the deep end am I going?
Well, usually, my litmus test for a new idea is, “Is it biblical?” (Which is a valid question.)
However, at this point, I’m relearning what it means for something to actually be biblical. I have always read the Bible with a bias, “knowing” what is “true” and only reading and interpreting things in a way that supports my view.
I can’t help it! I’ve been in the church since before I could walk- how can I know anything but what I’ve been taught to know? How can I see “more” if I stubbornly refuse to see anything but what is right in front of me?
This is where other people’s opinions, interpretations, life experiences, experiences with God, backgrounds, revelations, wisdom, etc., come into play. Listening to other people has sparked a new perspective for me.
This doesn’t mean I am taking every idea I hear and somehow working it into one big worldview. The Holy Spirit is the best teacher! I am walking with Him and I firmly believe He will continue to point out false doctrine and false teaching. However, I trust Him enough to be able to hear and wrestle with differing points of view.
And I think He trusts me, too, or else… I don’t think He would’ve brought me to this point of questioning.
Also, I don’t want to place any restrictions on this process, but there are some matters of faith I won’t ever let go of- things that are critical to salvation, namely, Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection.
For example, you can tell me Jesus’ resurrection wasn’t a reality- it was only a metaphor meant to comfort the early Church- until you are blue in the face and I will listen, but I will not budge. To claim Jesus didn’t rise again is to move from a “differing view” of biblical Christianity to a different belief of God and salvation altogether.
See! Nothing too crazy- I just want to know that what I believe, I believe because I believe it– not because it was handed to me. I know I won’t ever figure God out completely, but this process of tearing down is edifying if I allow God to build me back up. I have faith that as I pose questions to God, He will respond in ways I could never expect.
I think the coolest part of this whole thing is that no matter how my view of God changes, GOD DOESN’T CHANGE. He is exactly the same today as He was yesterday and He will continue to be the same. My existential crisis cannot change God! Yay!
Much of this was sparked by the Victoria Falls Gorge Swing I did last month.
I’m standing on the edge of the cliff in Zimbabwe, about to step off. The weight of the harness and ropes attached to me are trying to pull me forward, but it’s still my decision to jump. There is a worker next to me, and I, somewhat in a panic, keep telling him not to push me, I need to decide for myself when to go. In the back of my mind, I know it’s my choice to jump, I could chicken out, but I also know I have no choice. How can I get this far and not jump?
I’m at the end of that point of hesitation right now.
I know it’s going to be ok, that I’m safe; God’s got this whole thing under control.
However, my brain and body know jumping off a cliff isn’t a normal thing to do and they aren’t very excited about it.
My brain and heart know questioning everything I’ve been taught about God isn’t a normal thing to do and they aren’t very excited about it.
But my spirit wants to jump, to test the boundaries because I know there is so much more out there yet to be reached.
-L
