This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
Hide it under a bushel- No! I’m gonna let it shine.
Don’t let Satan blow it out, I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine ‘til Jesus comes, I’m gonna let it shine.
As Christians, we are called to be the light of the world. This light shines into the darkness that surrounds us, beckoning to the lost and showing them the way home. How can we be the light to this world if we are not walking in the light? It’s impossible! I cannot light a path for others if I am walking in darkness.
The enemy uses shame and fear to hide our light- and, the longer it’s hidden, the higher the danger of the enemy blowing it out completely.
As of late, I have been convicted of the darkness I am walking in while, at the same time, attempting to convince everyone around me I’m flooded in light.
I’m tired of hiding; the overwhelming desire of my heart is to walk in the light.
When I sat down to write this blog, I had a very different picture in my mind of what I would write. I am realizing, however, that I can’t force things into the light before I’m ready to. I can’t force myself to write the words- and that’s disappointing to me.
I’m writing this on a rooftop in Cambodia, surrounded by the beauty of God’s creation. He asked me to stay here until I bring my story into the light… so, here it is…
I have always known God has loved me. Even as a small child, I felt His presence with me. I have loved Him my entire life, my Abba Father, my King, my Daddy. As I have grown, my understanding of God has increased and, at some point in my life, I realized what it meant to be desperately in need of a Savior. I am grateful to God for the relationship we have- I am grateful I have never not known that He is here. I am grateful that He has called me to more than this- He isn’t finished with me!
I was a very happy, albeit shy, child that, for some reason or another, fell into a deep depression that spanned the entirety of my teenage years, and into my early twenties. Many of my close relationships were extremely hard and, regardless of what may have been truth, I was certain I was utterly unloved and unwanted, especially by my family.
I never blamed God for how I felt, what was going on. I was never angry with Him; I just wanted to go home. I desperately, passionately, relentlessly wanted to go home to be with Him. Every time I was knocked down, it took more and more energy to pick myself up and keep going and, eventually, I got to a point that I didn’t understand why I even tried to get up anymore. God was always there, I knew His heart was breaking throughout it all, and I clung to Him and His promises, but it wasn’t until my darkest hour that He audibly intervened. I was done living but He told me to not give up, to keep going, He had a plan for me, He loved me… Over and over, “Don’t give up, keep going, I have a plan for you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Don’t give up.”
I took hold of His hand and I got back up again.
I would like to tell you that after that moment, things were ok- but they weren’t, at least not at first. It took years of quiet dialogue between the Lord and I before I was able to walk out of the darkness.
At my first round at Training Camp, one year ago, the Lord spoke to me like He hadn’t in years. Out of seemingly nowhere, He showed me how, in the past, the enemy had used the people in my life to harm me, in an attempt to end my life; the enemy wasn’t allowed to end my life himself, but he could use my family, my friends, my church. In the enemy’s mind, I wasn’t supposed to survive my depression. He almost won- but the Lord gets to claim the victory.
At Training Camp, I was able to forgive those who had hurt me- truly and completely, never to be picked up again. I can’t say the hurt, the anger, were gone completely but when the Lord showed me the real fight- the spiritual fight that had transpired, I couldn’t help but shift my focus (and my anger) from this world to the spiritual one. I knew then who the real enemy was, and knowing that God will ultimately crush him, I found freedom.
During my second round at Training Camp, I was given a picture of what God desires for me: not only does He want to redeem my story and use it to bring freedom to those who are enslaved in the world, He wants to restore the relationships in my life that were damaged. He wants to restore me. Completely.
Since I started the Race, He has begun to strip away the masks I have worn for so long. He is tearing to pieces the false self that I have always claimed as true: the façade, the lie, that I don’t care, that I don’t love deeply and intensely, that I don’t want or need to be cherished and loved in return, and this stubborn, independent streak that has defined me for years. He is empowering me to break down walls that have surrounded me for a decade and He is showing me, ever so gently, but with the force of a hurricane, what it means to allow myself to be loved by other human beings.
My prayer in telling my story is that God will be glorified and lifted high. I desire to walk in step with my Father. Shining a light into my past removes the fear, removes the shame, and I am truly able to walk in His light.
