I've come here a thousand times and have no idea how to put any expression, thought, idea, or emotions into words. That being said, I'm trying again.
Training Camp. Day one-two.
Training camp was amazing. But it didn't start out that way. Let me back up a moment: over the years I have become an introvert, a recluse, and, all in all, an anxious person. When I got to camp everything within me was screaming, clawing at and crying to get away; to just go home! At one point I crawled into my tent to "set up my bed" and started to tear up. I just sat there. "This isn't for me" "I want to go home" "I have nothing in common with these people" "its obvious I won't fit in" "what the hell am I doing here?" People were all around outside of this hot dome tent getting to know each other and I was inside wishing I'd wake up-training camp was supposed to be exciting and I was not excited. I went to our first session that night. During p&w I raised my hands to worship the one who called me to this place and the only thing I could say was "why?" That night I asked Him to make me vulnerable. I asked Him to BREAK ME.
Training Camp. Day three.
We were in our afternoon session learning about our personality types and the girl next to me looks over to see that I'm an ESFJ, she whispers "you're an extrovert!?!?!" To which I answered, "yeah…well I used to be, I guess it still sees me that way….I guess I feed off of people, so that makes me an extrovert." I was embarrassed. That night we had worship without any chairs in the chapel, they wanted nothing to be hindering of our worship. I surrendered. I asked God to take away my anxieties, to take away my fears and insecurities. He asked me to offer it to Him. I was broke. All this time I had wanted Him to do all the work; to just make it all disappear. He just wanted me to hand it to him. He has amazing Grace! That night the song sang like this:
You won't relent until you have it all;
My heart is yours.
That was my prayer.
Training Camp. Day four.
I wanted to run and tell everyone all the joy I had found. I wanted to run up and hug everyone, just because (which if you know me, this is not the me you know). God said "not yet, we're not through" OK?? I don't remember what the session was about, but I remember being urged to pray at the end. I could not move. I sat there, hands in my lap, crying and I could not move. He does not relent.
{hindsight: How could I teach human slaves to forgive, if I don't forgive? How do I think I could teach the love of Jesus, if I don't love those who have hurt me the worst}
In this hour, or so, I forgave people in my past. God showed me a lot of bitterness I had been holding on to-even toward people in my family. I forgave the offenses said against me and the lack of self-worth pressed upon me. I forgave.
THEN God asked me to bless these people. So I did; and I meant it.
My prayer became "DON'T relent until you have it all!"
[to be continued…..]
