“What about now? What about today? What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?” That song blared through the SUV speakers as I drove to the local Starbucks. Why does it seem that every time I feel that I may have a grip on an area of my life- that’s when God takes me for a loop. Undoubtably this had to be another passing phase that would leave as quickly as it came on. Though nothing seemed to come as quickly as that feeling did. (I knew him, at least I felt like I did?)
I know, you’re thinking Laura, what the crap are you talking about? I’ll start from the beginning, hum- after I order. Starbucks has the most irresistable double mocha frappicinos.
I was born on an early May morning in a small New York house. I’m joking, if I started that early we’d be here for days. I am 25 after all, I’ve got a lot to talk about.
I’d been researching differant internships and had finally setttled on one. A three month internship that consisted of Bible classes and hours each day in the prayer room. Being thrown on a tour bus with a rock band would have been my dream internship but I realized that I needed to have a basis of itimacy with God before my life progressed into full on chaos. So there I was driving my suv, affectionalty known as Ocean, from my home in NY to the worn down city of Kansas City,MO.
I arrived to wonderful roomates, a large apartment and a rigours scheduale. As I walked into the first orientation meeting I saw him. I knew him, at least I felt as if I did. I recognized him immediatly. The look, the attitude. Ahh, it was an immediate disliking. I usually get along with everyone but that day I added another name to my short list. His name is Jacob.
It’s judging a book by it’s cover, but that’s the low point I reached as I watched his actions for the next few days. After staying awake for hours on end, sleep becomes an anticipated luxury. This night was made even better as I was dreaming of a guy teaching me how to flawlessly BMX down a half-pipe. However, the person in the dream with me was no other than my grit your teeth Jacob. How can someone so rude and unemotional be so amazingly wonderful in a dream? I went to the prayer room searching for the answer but when none surfaced I went on to go to God with all of my other millions of issues- I am after all human and the goody two shoes Christian who told you that Christians are happy all the time and have no sin, is a big fat liar and needs to go repent. (If that’s you go repent, I’ll wait here….)
The next week was full of realizing that I could be angry at God. Like the, ” I’m pissed off that you let that happen” kind of angry. It’s ok to feel that way. God has known for years that you’d feel that way and you saying it to him is just the first step of healing for you. I hadn’t trusted God in a lot of areas of my life. It’s that point that we hit when we don’t, or shouldn’t, sing those songs “I give you my life” because you know that your only handing over the pices that your soul chooses to hand over. I had to start at the beginning. Who was God? All my life people had told me what God was and now I had to find it out on my own. Was He really trustworthy? Was he really compassionate and faithfull? It was a lot of searching out the scriptures and prayer before God began to weed out the anger, and the parts of me that scared me out of mind. Then He ever so gently pulled me back onto his lap and held me as I cried. It’s an ongoing process but it’s a lot safer than before, God really is all of those things and more but don’t take my word for it, if you’re like me that wouldn’t matter anyway, you need to go find out for yourself. So take sometime to do that, grab your Bible from the pile of laundry that it’s under, dust it off, and figure it out for yourself.
Back to “Captain Cool”. As I was trying to figure out why this person that I couldn’t stand bugged me so much I had yet another dream- this one was me looking into his eyes only they were these deep seas of water and I heard him say, “Will you stay with me?”. Then the dream cut to me going to visit a friend’s house to say goodbye because I was moving to a mission’s base. I was saying goodbye as she shut the screen door and saw her father running towards me trying to grab me, she screamed “RUN he’s evil, he wants to to take you”. I start running around this old broken down farm, always staying 30 feet in front of this evil man. The man’s wife and my friend keep trying to distrace him but it doesn’t work. I run and then the dream ends. When I woke up I was trying to figure out what the dream was about and had a friend’s mother pray for me about dreams. Then I went back to my seat opened my Bible and I looked down and it said” Oh Jacob, Fear not for I am with you and my plans for you have not ended” ( Is.43:1-3) Yes God, I can inturrprt that dream but surly you could have come as someone I can at least stand to be around.
He is obsessed with his cell phone- which oddly enough is hot pink, he flirts with every hot girl that comes his way and he doesn’t show a lot of emotion or talk to a lot of people. That’s it, that’s why I can’t stand him. You may have no problem with those things but that “I’m too cool for you” attitude is one that I personally can’t stand. Or he just might be shy.
I start to apoligize to God it really isn’t right to dislike someone who hasn’t even talked to you let alone harmed you. Then it happens.
I get a burden to pray for him. Like deep, hour upon hour, weeping, praying scripture over, intercession. This concept blows my mind. I’ve never had an actual burden to pray, for someone I don’t know, for EVERY waking hour for a straight week. But I did. It was one of the hardest weeks that I’ve had in 25 years of living. I had to set myself aside and step into the role which God gave me. I didn’t have to like him but I did have to pray for him. God said to life up your brothers and sisters in prayer- I don’t know when he said it but he did. The topics that were laid upon my heart to pray for him about were deep personal topics that don’t need to be shared.
God had taken someone who my flesh greatly disliked and made him a person that I would pray for day and night. I learned a lot of obedience that week. This guy was never my enemy, he was a tool that the Lord used to teach me with. It was a crazy amazing month, hard, but rewarding.
I had to stop complaining and pray. My Father in heaven took me for one of the most incredible loops. I was changed that month. I don’t hate this guy, I never did. We just have differant personalites and outlooks. I still pray for him once in a while but the burden is lifted. I know that God changed both of us for the better that week. I also pray now, for another person to pray for like that. I’m glad that it’s not just a phase. I miss having a solid prayer focus like that so now that my mochas gone I’ve come to the realization that Daughtrys right. Only I’m talking to God now. “What about now, what about today? Are you making me all that I’m supposed to be? I love you Lord, thank you for taking me to this new level of understanding, grace, and eventuall love for one another.
God’s still working on me. What’s happening with you?
LauraSkye
