I have had a lot of “woe is me” moments this year. Especially in India. It wasn’t because I was in India that I was miserable, but I was miserable simply because I felt miserable. Then, because of the outside conditions, I had no motivation to pull myself together. I tried occasionally, asking some of the girls in my room and on my squad to pray for me, but I was flat out miserable and it seems now as though I was determined to stay that way. At one point during the month Robby, a guy on the squad, told me I had to stop letting the devil defeat me every 5 minutes, which is exactly what I was doing. I was letting him in to ruin my relationship with God, and turn me into a complaining, jealous, ask to be alone then wonder why I was alone, miserable person. It was not a pleasant place for me to be in, mentally. I’m not sure why I was so miserable, I still haven’t figured that out yet- maybe it was from Joburg (I still have bad dreams sometimes), maybe it was the difficult conditions, maybe it was because it was my first time out of a predominately Christian country. All I know is that I was feeling the worst I have all year, and quite possibly in my life.
When we got to Koh Samet, where we had our debrief after India, it was beautiful. It was a tropical island off the coast of Thailand, what’s not to love? However, after a couple of days of relaxing by the sea, those miserable feelings crept back in. I started just feeling crummy for no good reason. I had started to try and get back into my daily devotions, and I was trying to make a better effort to be back to normal but I just felt empty inside. I got a couple of the girls to pray for me, right on the beach, and that’s when it happened. I finally stopped feeling miserable and started feeling alive again. The next day we went snorkeling and then the July team came to Koh Samet for our last evening there. I had the opportunity to talk with Stacy Alonzo from the July squad, although I had met her at training camp, because originally she and her husband were going to be on our squad. As I was talking to her I realized that -yes month 7/8 seems to be the hump month and yes that makes it difficult, but I didn’t need to be miserable for so long. 6 weeks was far too long to put up with that. I should have been able to push through it and draw closer to God even when it seemed impossible. I was telling this to Stacy to encourage her to really press in instead of becoming so horribly miserable.
I was reading the other day, my book of 100 Christian women who changed the 21st century. 1 woman told about a time during the war when she was in solitary confinement for 3 months in a room 6 paces long and 2 paces wide. That’s when I said to myself maybe India wasn’t so bad after all.
Thailand has been so fabulous for me. I love our contacts and our ministry here. Each morning I teach Bible study to the girls who work at SHE. They have almost learned the entire order of the books of the New Testament. Since we have been here 3 girls have decided to give their lives to Jesus, and another told me this morning that she hopes to hear God’s voice. I feel so alive here- doing what God intended for me. The girls on my team are very encouraging to me-reminding me of my importance and encouraging me in my teaching. Sharon, our contact is also encouraging to me by telling me how much the girls say they are enjoying what I teach. I know I will be back here sooner or later. Praise God for bringing me out of my pit of despair.
