I am sitting on my bed in a room a little smaller than my bedroom at my old apartment which has been home for myself and 3 other girls for the last 28 days. I am listening to the constant sounds flooding in from the street below; horns honking, people talking, horses’ hooves, and bicycle bells all combine to make up the continuous clatter that has been the soundtrack to my month. I cover my nose with my sheets to stifle the smells of burning garbage, dead animals and sewage that waft through the window every fifteen or twenty minutes. As I sit here on my bed, I find myself struggling to face the reality that in 4 short days I will be returning to the U.S. At the beginning of this month I thought I would be rejoicing in this moment. At the beginning of the month I was counting down the days until I could leave this crazy, chaotic country that I was trapped in for a full month. I wanted nothing more than to go home.
the Lord got a hold of my heart here.
Here – in a city with almost 28 million people, where I can barely move without another human touching me, I have felt the touch of the Lord. Here – where I have to close the windows of our room just to hear my roommates talk, I have heard God’s voice. I have heard Him call me to pursue Him with my whole heart every single day. Here – I have seen with Kingdom eyes like I never have before. Walking down the busy streets I have seen His love for a broken and rejected people. Here – in one of the largest Red Light Districts on this side of the world, I have looked into the eyes of a woman enslaved in the most inhumane and degrading industry…and I have seen Love.
God often has to bring me to the end of me in order to find Him. This month has been one of those times for me. He brought me further outside of my comfort zone than I have ever been in my life, and He said “now, Laura, is when I will show you what it means to love.”
Love is not easy. Love is not something you do because you feel like it, or because you will get something out of it.
Love is a choice, not an emotion.
I have heard that phrase over and over again, but this month I learned what it really means. I am incapable of love in my own strength. I have to wake up every morning and ask the Lord for His eyes, His heart, and His love for these people, because in my own strength I fail miserably. As I allowed the Lord to change my heart and my mind, I found my attitude and my emotions following suit. Something began stirring in my heart beyond just obedience. I didn’t want to admit it. I fought it, because I wanted to hate India so that my time here would be an act of obedience and of sacrificial serving the Lord. I wanted to come home and talk about how I had “selflessly” served in a month of hell (I know, I can be a real arrogant one sometimes). I wanted an excuse to leave and never look back. But as hard as I fought, I couldn’t help it; I fell in love. I fell in love with a place that has pushed my limits more than anywhere I have ever been. I fell in love with a people that I don’t understand and I struggle to communicate with. I fell in love with a people who have captivated the heart of God because He created them. I fell in love with a people searching so desperately for truth that they worship 30 million gods in hopes of finding the right One.
So as I sit here on my bed at 1:00 in the morning, I find myself in a position 180 degrees opposite of where I was just 28 days ago. I find myself wanting to savor every minute that I have left on this side of the globe, and wondering what it looks like to return “home” after 3 months of life in Asia. Am I excited about ministry in the States? Absolutely. But I am heartbroken to leave India, because I know that I will be leaving part of my heart behind. India has become precious to me; not because of the sights, sounds or smells, but because the Lord has done so much in my heart here. He has spoken so intimately and tenderly to me, and has used this place to teach me what it truly means to pursue His heart.
…and I am never going back.
