There have been moments on this trip that I have wanted to quit. Community living is hard, leading people who are resistent to it is even harder, and being in foreign countries constantly surrounded by people who I never fully understand is tiring. At best. And, in the midst of the struggle, it’s easy to think about all the things you could be doing that are more productive than whatever ministry looks like for the month. Whether it be teaching English to a bunch of students who won’t listen or hugging on orphan kids who don’t speak English and will still be orphans when you leave them at the end of the month, it is grueling at times. My presence in these places doesn’t seem to change a thing. Anyone can do this. I’m not special and I’m not skilled at this. Having conversations with Hindus and Buddhists about Jesus is hard and has yet to feel like I’ve said anything that has brought them a pause to question what they believe. It’s all pointless…
At least that is what it feels like sometimes. What am I doing here exactly? I can’t find the fruit; I can’t see the impact. What is it? It makes me so frustrated. This is where it gets dangerous. I can sit here in this negativity and frustration and let it fester so easily. It brings me to heart-crying-ready-to-wage-war-type of anger and negativity if I stay here. This place of discontentment is dangerous, not only for me, but for the team I am with and the squad I am trying to lead. I can’t bring joy when I don’t feel joy. I can’t love if I don’t feel loved. I can’t ask faith of others if I don’t have it myself. But, always, when I ask for it, my faither Father gives it to me. Not always the moment I hope, but He increases it within my slowly. Steadily. And always I can rest in peace. It has always surpassed my own human understanding. And when I sit and think about, I know that just my presence here in these places brings a bigger presence. One that is full of grace and joy and unending peace. It doesn’t come from me, but a really amazing God who has decided that He wants to use me (of all people) as a vessel to bring Him to all these foreign and far off places. And if I squint really hard and pray even harder, He gives me an eternal perspective that outlasts any English class. It is kids laughing and singing praises to Him and taking that joy home to their families who begin to wonder who this Jesus is. He gives me glimpses at it and I find purpose in the hard days.
Throughout these past 8 months, there has been one undeniable consistency He brings up in every single country; surrender and peace. They go hand in hand every time. And in all this time we have spent together in all these different countries, He seems to always ask more and more of it from me, “Surrender. Lay it down. Let it go. Let me be your one and only. Give it all to me. I have you right in my palm.” And after the surrender, which is inevitably so hard, He always brings peace. Always. I have yet to lay something at His feet and not feel it. And the process of it, though painful and sometimes grueling, is the most beautiful part.
“Seeing is never believing: we interpret what we see in the light of what we believe. Faith is confidence in God before you see God emerging; therefore the nature of faith is that it must be tried.” (Oswald Chambers)
Surrender requires faith. Mine has been tried time and time again on this journey and in this month here in Thailand, especially as He’s given me even more to chew on with possible future life purposes He has for me (more on that in a blog to follow soon), but with that added endeavor, I don’t feel anxious or worried about what or how or when it will all pan out. I know that with all He’s been teaching me about surrender these past months leading up to this, He was preparing me to have the surrender ready before He even asked it of me. He knew I would need that kind of trust because it’s just so much bigger than I can even understand. But, so is He.
I wrote this poem a few months ago and found it again and wanted to share it. All of this was just prep for it. It’s about surrender and resigning ourselves to His will, whatever it may look like. It took a lot of trust to write it and in all of this, that is my prayer for you; that you may know that in the relentless pursuit by our Father for your heart, He can be trusted. He never stops. He proved this powerful love on a cross. That cross alone means that He can be trusted. He will never give up on you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. You can trust Him. And beyond that, He wants all your burdens.
I resign
No more living halfway
No more holding back
No more keeping anything to myself
I give you all i have
In return, all i ask
Fill me, make me whole
That your joy in me may be complete
Give rest to this weary soul
Let me stop trying to please
Let my aim be just to know
My savior, god, and father
My faith, please, let it grow
Help my unbelief
I ask, no, Lord, i beg
Do not leave me here
I’ve only this life to Live
So let me live surrendered
Show me what to do
Arms wide, fists open
I resign myself to you
