Sex.
I always swore I would never write about it on my blog. Partly because I’m ashamed and partly because even after all this time, I’m afraid that being honest about it will cause you to look at me differently.
In the past few weeks, the Lord has placed it on my heart. It’s like a mosquito bite that I desperately want to scratch, but know I shouldn’t. You grit your teeth and try to distract yourself, but there’s still that constant irritation and you just know that its there. And you just have to scratch it. You just have to.
One of my favorite blogs is Jamie the Very Worst Missionary. She is both honest and hilarious and recently posted a blog on the topic of sex. She writes,
This resonated with me. Because I realized that I walked away from my purity long before I lost my virginity.
Somehow, I just missed it (I can be really dense sometimes). I went to the “True Love Waits” conferences and wore my purity ring. I signed the card and read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and wrote letters to my unknown future husband. But when I got my first hickey at the age of 15, I was half embarrassed and half proud. It meant that someone wanted me. I was desired.
As I started dating, I found myself using physical intimacy as a way to feel valued, pursued, and chosen. But I never crossed that line; I never went all the way even though I came close plenty of times. I truly believed that as long as I didn’t go “all the way” that I was still pure.
I was 22 when I lost my virginity, though it wasn’t by choice (which is a whole other story of God’s redemption and grace). However, I did choose to be sexually active when I got into a relationship several months later. I did the typical “throw-up-my-hands-because-its-already-gone-anyway” dance, and even though I knew it was wrong, I did it anyway. I’d already had sex, so why did it matter now?
I’ve realized that being raped wasn’t the moment I’d lost my purity. I can’t pinpoint that experience as the exact moment when my purity ring became a farce. It could have been the first time I made out, the first time I looked at pornography, or when I first allowed lustful thoughts to take up residence in my mind and heart. My sexual purity became tainted long before I ever had sex.
“Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.” Matthew 5:8
The root of purity is in our hearts. And it’s entirely possible to lose sight of God when our hearts become corrupt. When we lust, when we look, when we imagine, when we (gasp!) masturbate we are compromising the purity of our hearts. We become less than whole.
There is this ugly lie that we believe as single Christians. Maybe you married people believe it too (I wouldn’t know). It says that as long as we abstain from sex, we’re pure. It says that fooling around and masturbation are ok because its not sex. Sex is the big no-no, but lets not talk about anything else.
This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Those are the moments when we start to walk away from being wholehearted and pure. Those are the moments when we compromise our standards. Its not surprising that the thoughts and desires that take up root in our minds eventually flow out in our actions. I guarantee they will. For me, having sex was just the outflow of the sin that already lived in the crevasses of my soul.
For far too long we’ve believed that there is a line. I think there is. But it starts all the way back at the beginning.
I’ve been challenged to examine my purity. I may no longer be a virgin, which both grieves and saddens me, but my purity can and has been and will continue to be regenerated. I will fail, I constantly do. But by the grace of Jesus, he restores me daily as long as I am willing to ask, believe, and walk away from that which stains me. I’m recommitting to purity in my body, mind, and soul. Will you?
