When I first returned home after the World Race, I thought I was handling everything just fine. After all, I didn’t break down in the cereal aisle of the grocery store, I hadn’t forgotten how to operate a washing machine, I still loved hot showers and didn’t miss living out of a backpack. It was great.
Looking back, I can see how I completely compartmentalized my emotions and thoughts regarding the race because I simply didn’t know how to begin to go through it all. In addition, I felt constantly bombarded with the question, “So, what’s next?” This question made me put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to know my entire life plan from now to eternity.
I shut down. I refused to think about it because I didn’t feel equipped to make any decisions or choices that weren’t coming from a place of selfish desire or settling for what was comfortable. I didn’t know how to process this last year and felt incapable of moving forward.
My first plan when I returned home wasn’t to go back out onto the field as soon as possible, like I thought it would be all those months ago. My first desire was for a 9 to 5 desk job with decent pay and benefits that would provide stability and comfort. Oh, the allure of staying in one place for a while!
And then I went to Project Searchlight in Gainesville, Georgia.
If anything, Searchlight was invaluable in that it helped me to begin processing this last year and what it really means to me in my everyday life. But it was so much more than that. It helped me, really and truly helped me to shake off the lethargy and, for lack of better word, depression I had felt since coming home.
At Searchlight, with all the talk about Kingdom Dreams and God’s call, I realized something huge. Something that changed my heart and my plans.
My one truest and deepest desire is to KNOW GOD.
Regardless of money, possessions, security, or stability, I want to have a deep and growing intimacy with my Father. I don’t count the cost, because to me, this is the cry of my soul and the thirst that drives me forward.
So I came to a decision.
I don’t want to live a life under my own power, but want each and every day to be in complete surrender and with total dependence on God. And the truth is, I simply can’t live that life staying in Colorado. If I stayed here, it would be for all the wrong reasons such as comfort, ease, and familiarity. But God hasn’t called me to comfort, but to joyful obedience to where He calls me.
My decision is to move to Gainesville, Georgia in January, where I will be enrolled in their new program, the Center for Global Action. It’s a program where I will be interning with Adventures in Missions in their offices, as well as receiving teaching, discipleship, and guidance towards the passions that God has placed on my heart: teaching and refugees.
I shed tears over this decision. I know that its choosing to walk a harder path than I expected, and honestly I still fight the desire to settle down and get a “real job.” But I’ve prayed and sought God on this and have complete confidence that this is the right path. It truly is the direction to move in order to continue becoming the woman of God that my Father is calling me into.
Beth Moore sums up my feelings perfectly when she wrote,
One last thing before I end this extra long entry. In order to pursue this dream, I will need to begin raising funds… again. I’ll write more on this later, but in the meantime, I’m asking my dear and wonderfully supportive community to prayerfully consider partnering with me financially once again. Contact me with any and all questions and stay tuned for another blog update with more information! Thanks to all who have partnered with me this last year and pointed me towards a bigger dream.
Love,
Laura
