At the end of Nicaragua (Month 2 … the end of October … ok I know!!! My blogging game is pretty pathetic), God revealed some major truths to me. Truths about my role on the team, truths about appearances, truths about feelings towards teammates, and truths about personal weaknesses, such as the disgusting fact that I am a people pleaser.
Going into Month 3 in the Philippines, I felt that I needed to share these feelings with my team. And I wasn’t very excited about it.
But before I get into all that God showed me, let me tell you about our ministry in the Philippines.
As soon as we arrived in Manila in the Philippines, my team learned that we would be boarding a domestic flight and traveling to the island of Mindano, the southernmost island in the Philippines. WHAT?! And we would be the only team traveling there! We would be in one city for 10 days and another smaller town for the last 10 days. I’m not gonna lie, I was freaking out a bit. Being so far away from any other World Race team …what if something happened? What if something went wrong? It’s not like anybody can just hop in the car and head to our team. YOU HAVE TO GET ON A PLANE TO GET TO US. Wow.
But, God has a funny way of showing us just how in control He is. To comfort my mind and take away my worry and fear, He gives me the name of our contact in Mindano—a young American woman who left her comfortable life in the States for a life in pursuit of Christ’s kingdom in the streets of Cayagan de Oro, working with street kids. It was then that God blew mind. This woman hails from Mississippi. Magee, to be exact. And her boyfriend, who is helping her with the start up of this ministry, went to Southern Mississippi in Hattiesburg. And he worked with First Baptist Hattiesburg and is friends with several of my friends back home. Oh, and two past World Racers are also partnered with her and the ministry.
… Wait. Where am I?? Oh yea, IN THE PHILIPPINES. And God is providing for my needs in ways I didn’t even know I needed.
Streetlight Ministry provides street kids with a place of love and care through the giving of showers, clothes, education, and food. Most street kids in Cayagan de Oro live and sleep on the streets and are addicted to ruby, a sniffing glue that numbs the pain of hunger and gives the feeling of being invincible. This ministry reaches out to one gang of street kids and gives them the hope of a different life and a different future. Our team’s mission for the two weeks we were there was to simply play with the kids and keep them engaged at the ministry center. So everyday looked a bit different. Some days we were playing dominos and coloring pictures while other days were spent doing bible studies and playing basketball, Filipino style. If the kids left the center, they would more than likely buy drugs.
To an outsider, our team seemed great. We worked hard at ministry. We played with kids. We communicated with intentionality to our contacts. But below the surface there were unresolved wounds, lists of offenses, and paralyzing fear. A lot of those feelings were being carried from past months with past hurts. And some of the feelings presented themselves at the beginning of our time in The Philippines.
Remember those truths that God had revealed to me?? Those truths that He placed on my heart to share with my team?
I expressed these to my team. Through the tears and pain, I told them how I felt. How I wasn’t feeling pursued by them. How I longed to feel fully accepted with them. How I felt about our team. How I didn’t feel spiritually cared for or challenged. I expressed my fears. I expressed my weaknesses. People pleasing. And how it had been a part of my life for a long time. I brought up friendships and past relationships. And I ugly cried through it all.
But I did it.
I had the hope that by sharing this it would create something on our team. That God was pushing this on me because He had some walls that our team needed to break down. That my sharing would spur others to be open. But I would soon find out that those walls weren’t for the team at all.
That night didn’t go as planned. The thoughts that I had just spoken into existence, the weaknesses I had made known, were not received. Rather, they were thrown back at me, twisted and unrecognizable. My thoughts were forced through another’s perspective and stolen from me, leaving me stripped of my voice and my value. I walked away from that night feeling even more unheard, even more misunderstood, and even more alone. I asked God, “Why??! Why would you have me share my soul, my heart only to have it burned up in front of me??” I vowed to never open up like that again. Because what would it bring?? Only more pain. Only more cruel words. Only more misinterpretation. And it was there, in my days of pain and suffering and tears and confusion, that God whispered His purpose for me in that moment:
“Don’t you see what I have given you?
“I revealed to you that you let other people’s thoughts and opinions define your value rather than finding your value in Me. You cried out to Me and asked Me to take the people pleasing tendencies from you. Then you spoke to your team about not feeling spiritually challenged by them. And someone challenged you and your thoughts immediately after speaking them into life. Can you not see, beloved? I have given you the opportunity to use My strength that’s already inside you to kill this ugly people pleasing part of you through your teammate. Are you gonna let the thoughts and opinions of one person taint the beautifully honest moment you shared with your team? Are you gonna let that person’s actions take away from your obedience to Me?
“Laura, I have exciting things for you in your life. Full of life and love in Me. There’s something big coming … not too far away … that I have planned for you. But, before you can fully experience all that it is, you need to put to death this burden, this weight. People’s opinions have no place in My presence. Will you choose the freedom I offer with My thoughts of you, or will you let yourself be chained to man’s empty opinions?”
When the God of the universe speaks these words over you, you get ROCKED. And you recognize just what it is that’s happening to you.
What looks like flames of pain and suffering and hurt spreading around all sides of you… Flames that you feel certain will feed on all you have left … This awful thing you think is happening is actually God refining you. Burning out the impurities. Bringing all the bad gunk up to the surface. Molding you to look more like Him. Fanning the flame even if it means being burned up to nothing but ashes. Does it hurt? Heck yea, it does. But is it worth it? Yes, because He takes the ashes and recreates them into the image that’s always been what HE saw you as.
My start in The Philippines was not pretty. To the human eye, nothing in it would be described as beautiful, pleasing, happy, or good. But, you know, God is not of this world and His work doesn’t make sense in this world sometimes. I see the BEAUTY in those three painful days. I see how God took a crippled heart and healed her.
