Coming into the World Race, I knew that God would force me to deal with the sin issues that have been plaguing my life. In fact, I knew this so well, that I confessed my deepest darkest secrets when I applied for the Race, and the first person I have ever talked to about it was the girl that interviewed me.
One of my favorite bands ever is the Oh Hellos. They have a song called the Lament of Eustace Scrubb that has always spoken to me at a deep level:
“Father forgive me, we both know I have gone astray. When I saw my reflection, it was a stranger beneath my face. Father, forgive me. We both know I’m the one to blame. But when I saw my demons, I knew them well and welcomed them. I’ll come around…. Someday.”
In between applying and training camp, I waited and pushed these demons further into my mind, trying to forget about them, but honestly, I knew that “someday” would come faster than I wanted it to.
Coming into Training Camp, I didn’t realize the repercussions of waiting until “someday” to deal with the demons in my life. I felt as though everyone around me was having intense emotional experiences influenced by the Holy Spirit, and I began to get super frustrated because I felt a huge wall in between me and God that I just couldn’t climb over. Though I knew that I don’t usually have emotional experiences with God (because I’m generally not an emotional person), I felt far from God and like He wasn’t present beside me like He used to be. Quickly, I realized that the wall that was built up between me and my God was constructed due to me feeling inadequate. I began analyzing myself and the sin in my life, and I felt as though I wasn’t qualified to be there, especially compared to everyone else on my squad. How could God care about me as much as all of these wonderful people around me who are openly worshipping Him with such intense passion?
My lament about my inadequacy easily translated in my interactions with my squad mates. I felt constricted and like I couldn’t express myself as easily. Now, I am a naturally quieter person, especially in big groups of people, but I felt even more awkward and hindered than I normally do. I felt prevented me from getting connected with my squad mates as quickly as everyone else.
“When I touch the water, they tell me I could be set free, so I’ll come around.”
Thankfully, God called me to confess my sin to one of my squad leaders on the second day (though let’s be honest, it felt like I had already been in this situation for a week). Almost immediately, I felt the weight lightening. The next worship session, I felt as though God was closer to me than He had been in almost 2 years. Throughout the rest of the week, multiple people came up and told me about how God loves me no matter what, and how I have a specific purpose that God needs me to fill because no one else can do the job.
I’m slowly learning that I have been set free whether I realize it or not. God doesn’t stop loving us and accepting us just because we mess up; He saved us once for all eternity, and we are just as important to His kingdom as every other person who calls Him Abba, Daddy.
So now I wait, along with my 55 other squad mates, for five more weeks until we finally leave for this crazy adventure. God has already taught us so much, but a battle is being raged right now because the Devil doesn’t want to us to start out this journey feeling strong and powerful in Him. I ask that you all pray for us as we wait patiently and fight this battle both in these next five months and in the next year.
If you feel called to support me, click the link under my picture that says “support me”, and that will guide you to my support page! I am about $800 away from meeting my next deadline of $7,500, which I need by August 22! Thanks a bunch in advance and thanks everyone who has supported me thus far!
