This past Sunday was a big one for my team and I. We had the privilege of leading the church service, including worship (yikes) at our host’s local church. Full of several different emotions, fear and anxiety being a big one, we decided to share a little bit about what we have each began to learn this first month on the race. Being the procrastinator I am, I woke up early Sunday morning to write what I was going to say. I felt overwhelmed with the feeling like I don’t know what I have learned or that the small thoughts that had been brought to my attention this first month didn’t suffice. I’ve been really hard on myself and on God expecting huge leaps in my relationship with him and growth within myself in only these 3 short weeks.
None the less, I brought my sleeping bag, journal and pen out front of the house and began to write what I would end up sharing at church:
“My eyes have been opened this first month to the fact that I struggle with feeling like I am not good enough in every relationship in my life. I have began to think about how this feeling has affected my relationships, friendships and even my walk with God. I have began to understand that maybe me not feeling close to God at times comes from within myself and the subconscious belief that I am not good enough-instead of feeling like God isn’t reaching me because I am not trying hard enough or doing enough. I am praying for God to break down my walls so that I can know that He is walking right by my side, that He is proud of me, and that I am doing the work He has called me to do.“
(I started off “Ok so I am just going to be a bit vulnerable with you this morning and read you something I wrote in my journal”, read it, and then said “Oh yeah and I’m Laura, I’m 25 and am from the United states from the state of Alabama-I was too nervous to remember to introduce myself, sorry.” and ran back to my seat.)
After the church service we were blessed to go to a braai (cookout) at John’s family’s house and after that to Hillsong Church (AH!) service.
In the service the pastor spoke of building a (metaphorical) alter for God. He said that everyday He would go to God and set down/hand off/get rid of big stones that represented painful occurrences in his life or any negatives. Eventually he had built an alter out of these stones where he came to meet God. God would take these heavy stones from his past and relieve him of them. In order for a fire to burn at this alter (and within himself-a fire and passion for God and new positive things in his life) the old ashes had to be continually cleared away of else they would put that fire out. The ashes to me represent the little things that happened to create heavy stone.
This sermon reminded me of what I had spoke about in church and of my feelings from this first month. One of my stones is the feeling of not being good enough. The ashes are the things that have happened in all different relationships that have made me feel that way and the feeling of the fire within my soul that brought me on this journey is likely being put out by the weight that comes from having not yet places my stones and dusted off the ashes at my alter.
