I once heard a pastor say, “In times of crisis or trial, a person’s real theology comes to the surface.” I can’t actually find my notes from that morning, but if I’m not mistaken, it was in reference to the Israelites during the time where God was in the process of delivering them out of the hands of Pharaoh and freeing them from the slavery they were subjected to in Egypt.
Exodus 14:10-12 records it this way: As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!”
They were terrified. And as a result, they began to question Moses’ motives. His intentions. His character. In the face of danger and what looked like a very dark and hopeless situation, they quickly concluded that he had, in fact, brought them out there to die. And then, all of a sudden, the bonds of slavery didn’t look so unappealing.
It’s funny because I think about how often I have the exact same reactions when it comes to God. How quickly I can begin doubting in times of trouble. How I have a tendency to call God’s character into question when things get really bad. When I can’t see my way out and it seems as if God is just sitting there, doing nothing. How I sometimes long for Egypt.
And it’s not that I don’t believe, because I do. It’s just that there is also this unbelief that simultaneously occupies space in my heart. Lately, I’ve been really drawn to this one line in the bible, found in Mark 9:24. This father brings his son to Jesus to be healed and Jesus tells him that "everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately the father exclaims, “I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief!”
Today, I find myself saying the exact same thing. Lord, I believe. Please help me overcome by unbelief. Because I believe that God loves EVERYONE. I believe that He has the power to break the chains of sin off of our lives. I believe that He is always working to heal the broken parts of our hearts. I believe those things. Wholeheartedly.
(Now, get ready for the contradictions). But when it’s one o'clock in the morning and I'm laying in the dark and everything around me is still, my fears and insecurities begin to surface, and I find myself quietly asking the Lord, “Do you love me?”; “Will I always be this broken?”; “Will I ever be free from this one sin?”
And sometimes, I am scared. Sometimes, I am terrified. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to trust that God is who He says He is. For MY life. Not anyone else’s. I have absolutely NO issues or problems believing and standing on the promises of God when it comes to someone else. But if I am honest, in the very depths of my heart, I often wonder if He’ll show up…for me.
But then, I read verse 13 of what Moses had to say to the Israelites, and I find God at work in my heart, slowly chipping away at my unbelief:
“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The [Egyptians] you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
The Lord will fight for me. The Lord is fighting for me. I need only to be still.
