She is clothed with strength & dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
Proverbs 31:25
Since being home, I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings. Like…a lot of feelings.
I’ve been…
Melancholy. Joyful. Excited. Satisfied. Restless. Relieved. Angry. Overwhelmed. Misunderstood. Pensive. Nostalgic. Exhausted. Antsy. Happy. Confused.
And definitely more.
I haven’t been lonely, but I’ve felt really alone.
I feel like I have nothing to say but at the same time I fear for my mind to sink to my feet; it seems to be so heavy these days with memories & experiences that knock at the door of my mouth eager for release.
But these things will never mean as much to anyone around me as they do to me. People may be able to know the name, but will they know the smile or the soul that gave life to the name of the far-away people I mention?
I can’t blame people for not being as curious as I expected, they are not me.
The memories float around trying to form themselves into sentences. Looks & sensations & beautiful transactions with human beings despite language barriers are trying so hard to make themselves communicable.
Words fail.
The words don’t hold the weight of lessons the Lord taught me the hard way, they don’t hold the revelations of His majesty I had under burgundy storm clouds in Botswana as the wind whipped pebbles & silt against my cheeks.
Words can’t hold the sorrow of leaving Danush in India, or the girls in Malaysia, or witnessing innocent children in unreal living conditions in Haiti & Swaziland.
And I honestly never thought words would fail, they’re like my favorite thing, because they’re so powerful. The Lord says so: the tongue is like a fire, like a knife.
So why does it seem now like an appendix? Weak & useless?
I’m in my Mother’s house now, where tons of books I buy second-hand sit in suspense waiting to be read, I will probably never read them all, or even half of them. My closet overflows with options…I take a lot longer to get dressed these days. I’m on the couch, there’s a Wii U console, my gateway into Netflix, on the entertainment stand & I’ll probably end up watching some documentary on gender bias or a travel series or just Bob Ross telling me how to paint happy trees, later. There’s Captain Crunch in the pantry, there’s cold milk in the fridge, cold, clean water from the tap. There’s bread, more than daily bread. Meat, veggies, chocolate, condiments…we in North America can afford the luxury of having food for entertainment instead of just survival. It makes me think of the houses I’ve been in in the third world that didn’t have a need for pantries, because all you ever really had was enough for that day.
I think of that a lot…the divide between the rich & poor…just the stark contrast. And how hard it is to retain the things I learned from the way the people lived. The habits I picked up from living in a place where you really had to work at life…it’s hard to retain these things out of sheer willpower instead of picking up practices automatically because it’s just the common way.
I think a lot about what I’m doing next, too. Like a lot. Almost as much as I think about the kids at Rumah Faith in Malaysia. I think about if the Lord is calling me out again soon, if He’s calling me to settle down & get a desk job, if He’s calling me to make a CD or go & enroll in a ministry or worship school of some sort. If He’s calling me to India NOW instead of later. If He’s calling me to a 4 year Bachelor of Midwifery program in Calgary.
There’s all these things…there’s prospects & options & pressure. Then there’s outside opinions & influences. Then there’s these inklings from the Lord & the things He seems to be saying. Then there’s the immediate matters of everyday life…& yeah, full circle…back to the memories & experiences of this past year & the emotions that surround them.
All these things are here, now, at once.
I’ve described in detail the climate of my soul.
But the things is, I don’t feel a burden to urgently solve all my problems or hatch plans or bandage little offenses…I feel like the Lord will do what He will. And resting in His sovereignty is not an excuse to abandon diligence or make disobedience a regular routine, that’s not what I’m saying.
I’m just saying I’m not really worried.
I just feel like laughing.
Like lately, since I’ve been home, I just feel like smiling & laughing.
I think I’ve consciously chosen not to adopt the stress that I maybe should be feeling right now, or would be normally. Like, I’m kind of successfully not fretting (thanks be to God), which is really rare for me, ’cause I’m usually a pretty melodramatic spaz.
Yes…I’m aware that I just lived a year that shook me & moved me & amazed me & scared me & unwound me & showed me who’s boss (it’s Jesus).
Yes…I’m aware that in that year I did somewhat of a crazy, unnatural thing that not many people do & that’s why it’s exploding my heart & mind & leaving me feeling empty & full at the same time, like I gave it everything I had, but also gained so much.
Yes…I’m aware that I’m 25, single & career-less.
Yes…I’m aware that I don’t have a five-year plan.
Yes…I’m aware that I do not have it all figured out.
But I seriously just feel like laughing!
Maybe I’m crazy or just overwhelmed so my body’s reacting with nervous laughter but I swear to you it’s not a laugh of recklessness or indifference…it’s a laugh I should have been laughing all along…a laugh without fear of the future.
I used to feel like I needed to earn joy. Like I had to overcome everything before I could really just be truly free & happy.
But He did so much. The Lord made me unafraid to claim my identity in Him. He made me unafraid to be fully myself; to shine unapologetically, even when I was too bright & it bothered others. He made me stop shrinking back. He taught me how to love better, He gave me more of His eyesight, for others & myself.
He finally convinced me I’m pretty…people have been trying to do that for 24 years.
He made me unashamed of my gifts, & relieved me of so many insecurities. He made me realize I’m not just this dirty worm of a sinner…I’m His daughter, His blood flows through my veins. He opened me up to love people, the fortunate & the less fortunate, in a way that hurt so much, but it was so worth it. He did so much.
And He had me in His hands the whole flipping time…& He still does.
What else can I do but rejoice in that?
Everything’s unstable & out of my control…but the Lord has been laughing as we run around like chickens with our heads cut off for a while.
”He who sits in the heavens laughs, the Lord scoffs at them.” Psalm 2:4.
It’s like I finally get the joke. Lol.
