Dear Insecurity

The Lord has been working on me a lot lately in the area of identity. I’m not really one for letters but here’s one I wrote recently in my World Race journal to an old coping mechanism: Insecurity.

 

Dear Insecurity,

 

Hey old friend.

 

You often feel like an enemy.

 

In my short life I’ve actually met a lot of enemies disguised as friends, you know. When I was younger I knew people who would offer companionship when it was convenient, & in those times they’d tell me things that didn’t need to be said at all…with words like knives, cutting deep, reminding me of my place in this world at the bottom of the totem pole. And they would say these things to me as if it was for my own good, for my own betterment. To keep me protected & safe, to spurn me on to improvement. To be more popular, social, or pretty. To just be better in general. These friends remind me of you.

 

I’ve realized I don’t really know you that well…although we see each other often. And I think despite not knowing you intimately, I always kept you close because you kept me comfortably hemmed in to who everyone but God said that I was, it was easy to be that girl, never stepping out of bounds, held back by the butterflies in my stomach & sweaty palms. I thought you were a safeguard against pride & arrogance but now I realize I was just using you to save face; to protect my own demented pride. I wanted to keep myself trembling & self-conscious, hoping neither to taint good reputation nor confirm bad reputation. You kept me quiet & looking at my feet hoping that no one would notice me, or hoping that if they did they liked what they saw. You kept me sympathizing with people when they’d label me homely or weird. You kept me a control freak, trying to influence peoples’ opinions of me as strongly as I could. You were always there when I’d talk to boys, when I’d walk on stage to speak or sing, when I’d meet new people. You were there when people would discuss their formal education or life experiences, how many languages they know or their dance career. You were there when I would go to the gym. When I’d walk across a crowded room. You were always there.

 

This is messed up.

 

I thought you meant I was modest, I thought you kept me closer to humility than Lucifer or Narcissus ever were…but you didn’t. You kept me confined to what I thought was my own league, not really acting like who I know I am in Christ for fear of failure. You kept me in backwards pride, flaw-centric self-centeredness. Acute self-consciousness.

 

My whole life I never realized I was so good at being something I’m not: gullible & limited. You tricked me & you kept me deceived, Insecurity.

 

In my cage, inside my limits, just unsure enough to hold myself back from stepping out into the entirety of who God is & who I am in Him. Here’s the thing, though, I don’t want to be safe anymore. I’d rather be who I never knew I was instead. I don’t need you shrinking me back when the cool kid or CEO walks into a room, or beating myself up on the inside when people criticize me. I don’t need crutches. I don’t need control. I don’t need you making sure I never make a fool of myself. I don’t need you, whether that seems stupid or brave…I don’t care. I don’t need anything but my Messiah to hem me in behind & before (Psalm 139:5-6). You’re no longer welcome here in my head, in my heart, or in my idea of who I am. You are no longer allowed to step between me & the table the Lord has prepared before me in the presence of my enemies (Psalm 23:5).

 

I am a woman (Song of Songs 4:7).

I am a musician (Psalm 150:3-5).

I am a singer (Psalm 59:16-17).

I am a poet (Psalm 45:1).

I am a worshipper (Psalm 63:2-5).

I am redeemed (Psalm 107:2-3).

I am a thinker (Psalm 111:10, Job 36:26, Psalm 63:6).

I am a missionary (Mark 16:15).

I am chosen (Jeremiah 1:5).

I am clean (Isaiah 1:18).

I am an overcomer (Revelation 12:11, 2 Corinthians 10:4-5, Romans 8:37).

I am okay (2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 94:18-19).  

I am whole (Colossians 2:10).

I will be victorious Deuteronomy 3:22, Ephesians 6:13, Zephaniah 3:17).

I am renewed (2 Corinthians 5:17, 2 Corinthians 4:16).

I will be a Mother one day (Psalm 127:3).

I will be a wife one day (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

But I don’t need a man right now (Isaiah 62:5, Isaiah 54:5).

I am free (John 8:36).

I will be with the Lord in glory one day (Colossians 3:4).

I am secure (Psalm 62:6).

I am under the easy yoke of my Messiah (Matthew 11:30).

 

I am, only because of The Great I Am (Acts 17:27-28, 1 John 4:19).

 

Goodbye, Insecurity.