On March 26th 2013, God intervened in my life in a way that only God could. I was at a friends apartment watching a movie, and I started to not feel well. I faintly remember him trying to talk to me, but not being able to talk. Shortly after, I had a seizure. I had never had one before, and honestly couldn’t even believe him when he told me. I refused to go to the hospital, in my stubborn way of nature, so I went back to my dorm room. I got an awful headache that quickly turned into a migraine. I couldn’t handle light or sound. Once my friend finally convinced me to go, I had to have help by 2 safety officers just to walk down the stairs. Something was seriously wrong, but I had no idea what.
Once we got to the emergency room, I signed in and we waited. We waiting for close to 4 hours. In pain, from 1am to 5am, exhausted and totally scared. When they finally brought me back, the doctor didn’t believe that I had had a seizure. I had sunglasses on because the light bothered my eyes and she made me take those off too. Needless to say, she told us that it is hard for her to decide who actually needs medical attention and who has just been partying to much…ouch.
She decided to run tests anyways, though she clearly didn’t believe anything was wrong. After a little while and a few blood draws later, I started to feel even worse. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was though. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the hospital bed with practically ever nurse and doctor around me. It scared me so much I started screaming “Where am I? Where am I?!” over and over again. Someone came over and told me I was in the hospital. Then once I had calmed down, the doctor who hadn’t believe that anything was wrong, told me that my heart had stopped. I lost all control over my emotions, crying, screaming…the works…
My heart had stopped? What in the world? Why? Why was this happening? Whats wrong with me?
There is a ton more to the story, but this is where I’m stopping because this is where God taught me about his timing in a practical yet mind blowingly powerful way. And I’m not even sure I picked it up on my own, I believe a friend of mine had to point it out to me, but it is so incredibly true.
My heart could have stopped in my friends apartment with no one around to help…but it didn’t.
My heart could have stopped when I was in my apartment all alone….but it didn’t.
My heart could have stopped in the car on the way to the hospital….but it didn’t.
My heart could have stopped when we sat in the waiting room for 4 hours…but it didn’t.
God’s hand was over the whole situation. Do I know every aspect of what God wanted me to learn from this, heck no. He is God, I could never understand his ways. But I do think he kept my heart from stopping, until the circumstances were perfect. The doctor hadn’t believe I had a seizure, so if we told her that I just flopped onto the floor and my eyes were super wide open (Which is what I’m told happened), then she probably wouldn’t have believe that either.
Nope, God made it happen or allowed it to happen in a hospital room, surrounded by Doctors and nurses, while hooked up to a heart monitor. Truth is, I’ve been passing out sine I was a kid. But no doctor had ever scene it, and I was never connected to a heart monitor, so they just said it was something called VasoVagal syncope and sent me on my way. So maybe God was tired of me being misdiagnosed. Or maybe he knew that the next time I fainted things could go horribly wrong, like I could hit my head too hard or something. Truthfully, I don’t know why he had his hand over this whole situation so tightly to make it all work out so perfectly, but he did. He was right there.
He was right there even though I felt all alone and scared and at first, had one of those awesome questions like “Why would God let this happen?!” He was there through all the doctors appointments and subsequent hospital stays, He was my rock and I really began to trust that he knew best, and that his timing was perfect despite how strange it seemed to me. At the time, waiting for 4 hours in a hospital room made me upset. But now I look back and see that the waiting had to happen so that my heart didn’t stop after I left the hospital.
We have to wait sometimes. And even though waiting can seem painful or frustrating or even just downright stressful, Gods timing is perfect. In truth, I’m writing this blog mostly for myself, to remind myself that God is in control even when I cannot see it. With fundraising deadlines fast approaching, and my support account incredibly lacking, I can’t help but feel like that sick girl in the waiting room wondering why they are making her wait so long! But God has his hands over the whole situation and he uses waiting periods to his advantage. He uses what may seem like a looming deadline to teach us patience and trust, and I sometimes really struggle with those!
God is in control, and I trust him. I trust that I will get the support I need to go on this missions trip that he has called me to. I trust that he will show his power through what seems like a mountain of funding left to go. He is strong and all knowing, I am weak and simple minded. He sees what I cannot possibly see.
Therefore, I trust you, God. Though I may doubt, though I may stumble and question and get stressed, I am making a decision to try and stop stressing, to try and stop doubting and trust in the ways of my God who has always and forever had my back. So why would he stop now?
I trust.
