*Written on March 31, 2017
On the plane ride from Ecuador to India, I asked the Lord to break me. I prayed that He would break me in every way possible.
Well my friends, that was a very big prayer to pray.
I am currently sitting on my 1st of 4 flights headed to Lusaka, Zambia. We have the ministry set up, we have prepared to get the visa, our bags all weighed under 24 kg. It looks like we are all ready to go. And in most ways, we are. But I find myself sitting here in complete awe and totally speechless of what just happened the last 3 months. I find myself in utter shock of how God answered my prayer.
When I asked the Lord to break me, I had 4 ways in mind: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and breaking my heart for what breaks His. Here is a little bit about how He did each one.
Physically: There were 3 main times when He broke me physically. The first was when I went to the hospital in January for chest pain. While there, I felt very exposed and vulnerable to everything. Through feeling this way, I had to learn how to focus my thoughts on others and pray for the people who needed it more than I did. February I got dysentery, worst pain I have every felt. Through having dysentery, I learned what it was like to completely surrender and crawl up into the Father’s arms to find comfort. The beginning of March, I got a concussion. My very first one. Through this, I had to learn and put into practice 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
Emotionally: Going into India, I realized that I had numbed my emotions to what was going on around me. I didn’t allow myself to feel certain things but I also realized that I let my emotions run me when it came to other things. Throughout India, I have tried to find a balance of feeling, but not over-feeling. This is still something I am working on hard but just the last 2 weeks have felt like I am finding that balance.
Spiritually: God and I have worked through a lot this country. I have struggled with not hearing His voice, trusting His goodness, and knowing that He sees me. When I felt like I wasn’t hearing His voice, He taught me how to find Him in ways I wasn’t used to of comfortable with. I took up painting and I am finding myself seeing and hearing God through that. There were many times in India when I didn’t think God was good. I wallowed in negativity and refused to see His goodness. I learned however, that God is not a feeling that I have, He is a reality. I learned that He is showing me His goodness and promises in little ways throughout my day and I have to trust in His faithfulness. I also learned that God created Kylee and He knows my name. He will never forget it, He will never call me Kaylee, and He adores me.
Breaking my heart for what breaks His: We taught at many different schools these 3 months. Driving to school one days, it clicked in my head about where I was and the fact that these beautiful people don’t know the one who created and is waiting with His arms open wide for them to come running. It gave me a passion and a drive to tell them how special they are. It broke my heart to feel a love that they don’t yet know.
When people think of the word broken, they think of something bad or something that needs fixing. Looking back on the last 3 months, I see 3 of the hardest yet most beautiful months of my life. I see 3 months where I grew tremendously and got to see teammates fall in love with a place. I got to meet kids and people whom I will remember forever. I got to see and experience God in radical ways.
So let’s all raise a glass (or a cup of milk tea) to God and to India.
