The edges of my heart and my bible are worn. They are worn down from the amount of use and the amount of hiding. My heart is worn from feeling like it does not have a voice and my bible is worn from trying to find that voice. My heart is tired, my bible is tired, I am tired.
I am tired of feeling like my story is not important. I am tired of feeling like I am in over my head. I am tired of feeling like I don’t belong, like I am not good enough, like it is my fault, like I am not worthy of God’s love. I am exhausted.
The enemy places lie after lie in my head. “Your depression defines you. Your team is not really there for you. You are not a good enough Christian for this. Your story and what you are struggling with right now doesn’t matter. You don’t matter. Go home.”
A teammate did a listening prayer for me a couple weeks ago. “I’m tired, I’m worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing… My child, Even in the depths of your despair and agony, I am bringing redemption. The struggle will end…”
I am struggling with finding my voice. I am struggling with what to share, who to share with, is it important, am I important.
There is a little girl at our last ministry. She has a story. She has a story worth sharing. This little girl is an orphan. When she was younger (she is about 12 now), she fell and hit her head. Her dad, who was an alcoholic, was so drunk that he did not get her help in time to prevent damage. After coming out of a coma, she had permanent brain damage. Before she had fell and hit her head, her dad shaved her head, dressed, and treated her like a little boy, even though her favorite colors are pink and purple. Her father lost his parental rights and the little girl now lives in the orphanage with a mental handicap.
This sweet child has a story. She has a story that she can’t share. But even though she can’t share it doesn’t mean it is not important or have value. This little girl taught me something. She taught me the power of a voice. We all have something worthy and powerful to share. We all have a voice.
Our stories… who we are… can change live if we let it. Don’t sit in silence thinking your story doesn’t matter or you don’t have something important. You do. And the Lord is telling you to speak up.
I wrote this the morning of November 6th. My next blog is a follow up with some crazy things the Lord thought me the evening of November 6th. Be on the lookout!
