This month God has shown up in so many different ways for me. It has been one of the most refreshing months I've had on the race, but also one of the hardest mentally. Early on in the month I felt like God was telling me to fast, something that I never really have done before. The more I prayed about it the more I felt Him calling me to fast from all solid foods for 3 days. This experience has left me broken and shattered, yet at the same time I've never been more dependent and reliant on God's love for me.
I started my fast on a Friday morning and ended it on a Sunday night. The first day wasn't so bad. I was getting a little hungry, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. The second day was okay until about lunch time. That was when my attitude started to shift and I started getting irritable really fast (or in the words of my team mates "pissy"). That night as the guys were heading back I almost got hit by a motorcyclist and due to my irritable mood got fairly enraged about it. By the time Sunday rolled around I asked to just stick at our apartment and spend some introvert (alone) time so that I wouldn't say or do anything I regretted. – That's when things got awesomely hard!
(eating bugs due to EXTREME hunger)
Before doing this fast I never really looked up what the Bible said about fasting. I had no idea what it actually entailed besides not eating food. That Sunday as I started looking up what it actually was all about I learned that I was actually suppose to be in constant prayer with God (particularly during meal times) and it was suppose to be a time of relaxation and reflection upon Him and how I can grow closer to being more like Him.
After having this astonishing reality I began to look back on the previous two days and how much I didn't look like Christ in it. It was a major wake up call for me. Just underneath the shell of who I portray to be came out this darker side of my flesh that I didn't even realize was there! It was a scary sense of entitlement that I don't have the birth right to. It was like hitting a brick wall at 100 mph. "How blind am I?"
After God showed me all of these things I began to ask Him to search my heart and to pull out the things that didn't reflect His image. – I know, DANGEROUS words right there! – It was after asking this that He did just what I asked. I got into this mini-funk because God was showing me all of the ways that I didn't look like Him and I started to freak out. "How am I ever going to live up to this?!?!?!" Then after finally asking God that question I got a reply, "you don't…."
I have been listening to Todd White and Graham Cooke (two awesome and insightful men of God) and between the two of them I've learned exactly what one of my biggest problems is…I try to become like God. I can't do it. NONE of us can. God can change me, but I can't change myself to look like Him. Not on a heart level anyway. That's one of the beauties of what Christ has done. He has set me free from trying to become like Him and given me the tools to allow me to let Him change me so that I can look like Him.
Now I'm so much more in love with my Papa. I'm letting Him guide me through my own bed of mud that I've made so that He may wash me off and set me on His lap and love me. I'm not worrying about what I can do for God, but instead am trying to just listen to His voice and bask in His love…something that is so hard for me to constantly do.
I'm now only $950 away from being FULLY FUNDED! Please help me stay on this race by giving me a one time gift of any amount. To donate you can either click the "Support Me!" link on the left hand side of the page OR you can donate cash or check to the following address:
Kyle Stinnett
400 Turnpike Rd
Mills River, NC 28759
