Tonight my heart is breaking. God is doing something huge in me. Something I thought I already had. He's killing my heart and replacing it with one like His.
This debrief has been really great so far, but also really challenging. I've had some awesome 1 on 1's with squad mates and have gotten to share and hear how God has shown up in all of our lives this past month. It really has been a great time, but there's also a HUGE problem…all I want to do is cry.
Every second that I get alone to myself (which is few and far apart) I feel like breaking down and just crying. The reason? My heart breaks for the world. Today I saw not one, but two men in their 50's (at the youngest) with 10 year old Thai girls. They weren't their daughters. They hadn't legally adopted them. They were sold into the sex trade. THIS. IS. REAL. LIFE…
One of the old men got off of his scooter with the girl behind him and noticed me looking over at them. He shot me a look of disgust and clearly thought I was judging him before I ever even realized what was going on.
Another reason why my heart breaks for this country is because of how much the enemy has it in their palms. Idolatry is everywhere and runs ramped in the streets. Not just idols of religious figures, but food, money, clothes, you name it. I bought a few impulse items today without ever even realizing what I was doing and I didn't need or really even want what I bought.
My heart breaks because God has revealed to me that yes I could go and do all of the touristy stuff on this island and have a great time (no judgment on those who do) or I could sit and be in the presence of God in this beautiful part of the world and bask in His wisdom and love. This is another lie that I have bought into for most of my life: "You only live once." So why don't you just have fun and spend money and do everything that you have the opportunity to do instead of being with God? That's the conviction that's been placed on my heart and it's awesome and HUGE. I think that if it's here on earth and worth doing now it is worth missing now to be with God and I can do it in eternity. Didn't Jesus say, "What you lose in this world you will surly keep, and what you keep you will surly lose?"
I'm broken…and I love it. God is doing something in my heart that I cannot see nor understand, but I know it is so good for my relationship with Him that I'm willing to sacrifice it all to pursue it…to be broken. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to stop the little girls (and boys) all over the world from being thrown into the sex/slave trade. I want God to use me as His hand and feet to truly love those who don't know of His love. I want my walls to be broken down so that I am completely and totally vulnerable to what God wants me to do and to the people I will encounter along the way. I want Jesus to come in my life and make such a great impact that I have absolutely no choice but to change or DIE. I am desperate for it…and my heart breaks for it.
