Yesterday the Lord told me to blog about something very deep…something very personal. At first I was scared to death of blogging about it because I didn't want the world to know that I'm not okay, and part of me really didn't want to dive into the mess that I'm about to reveal to you. This blog is about the deep root issues of sin in my life: intimacy.
I believe that all of our lives God is constantly trying to keep us on the path that brings us into greater intimacy with Him. So much so that He has engrained in us a deep heart's desire for intimacy at a capacity that we will never reach because it is unlimited. This drive for God however has been manipulated by the enemy since the fall of man. I am constantly knocked off of the path that God has set for me because I buy into the lies and deceit that greater intimacy can be found here in the world. Constantly I am tempted to seek after these intimate illusions. It's been a real battle and I'm about to be real and raw with you about my intimacy issues and the things I have struggled with regarding it.
In the past I have been tempted and struggled with porn addiction, masturbation, sex, homosexuality, smoking, drinking, lust for material objects, lying, and much more. Some of these temptations have been much greater than others and hold a special place in my life, or so it would seem. I used to be heavily addicted to porn and masturbation because that is what I used to replace the empty feelings I wasn't getting from God. I wasn't getting them from God because I had bought into the lie that God wanted nothing to do with me and even if He did that the lifestyle He wanted me to live wasn't worth living because I wouldn't find enjoyment in it. For years I ran into this brick wall with these sins because I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. The empty feeling wasn't being filled.
Masturbation is something that I'm still struggling with to this day, but on a much different level. The truth is I've found that intimacy with God, but sometimes I choose to buy into a different lie. One that tells me it's too much work to find intimacy with God and it's easier to just go to my vices. This is real, honest, and messy, but it's something that I want to bring out into the Light because the Truth is I am free from it and I want to walk in that freedom.
While on the race I have been in many different cultures and in many dark places that produce all different types of sins. I have experienced the temptations of sins that normally at home I would never really have to deal with. One of these sins that I have been tempted with is homosexuality. It isn't something that I battle nor is it something that I desire at all, but I have a better understanding of it now.
One afternoon in Cape Town, South Africa I was tempted with the desires of homosexuality. It was a strange experience and one that my flesh wanted to pursue. It was a strong temptation that brought me to a better understanding of those who battle with it. It wasn't a sexual drive which in the past is what I always thought of it being, but rather it was an intiment passion. I felt a strong pull towards this one particular guy in an intimate way. The truth is at that time I was wanting to be in an intiment relationship with someone because I was running from God and the enemy tempted me. It would have been so easy to fall into that, but I knew in my heart that it was wrong and that I didn't want to pursue that type of lifestyle. Since then I haven't been tempted by it and I know that it will never take hold of me. It was a lost attempt by the enemy and pushed me to realize how deep my intimacy issues with God truly are.
Another thing I often struggle with is the deception of who I truly am and what I'm capable of. This is more of a pride issue that effects my intimacy with the Lord. I lie to myself saying that I don't need to have anyone in my life. I'm tough. I'm a man. – What a load of crock! It's a simple tactic that I use to protect my heart when I feel alone and far away from the Lord. It's simply more lies that I've bought into.
Smoking and drinking have been two other addictions that I fell into. When buzzed from a cigar or alcohol I bought into the lie that I was a more enjoyable person. I believed that people liked me better that way and that my efforts to impress people sounded more convincing when I was in that state of mind. The truth is that I was a blabbering fool only wanting to seek the acceptance of my peers so that I didn't feel alone.
The realization of all of these things has opened my eyes to see the deeper root issue that lies in our lives…everybody wants to have an intimate relationship with God and along the way we all find our vice that the enemy throws at us to get us off course. Homosexuality is simply a lie that some have accepted that has thrown them off of the path to find intimacy with God. How on earth can we hate or condemn a person who has simply been lied to and believed it as complete truth? Especially when we've believed a similar lie. Or how can we be upset with people who are so obsessed with material objects or the way that they look when we ourselves suffer from a different, but similar vice? My prayer is that God will give us the power and the strength to see our need for Him and that we may be rid of the vices in our lives…the lies that we've bought into, so that we may get back on the path He has laid out for us. So that we can find intimacy with Him.
No, I'm not a perfect Christian, and I have many flaws due to intimacy issues. But it's something I'm working on. It's something that I know I am free of, I just need to start walking and claiming that freedom. Jesus has taken away the sin nature from my life because I call Him Lord and Savior. I'm choosing Him now. I'm asking Him what He is doing and following Him with that same passionate desire, but this time it's getting met and fulfilled. I'm beginning to overflow with hunger for Him. Yes, I still mess up and will for the rest of my life. But now that I see the intimacy issues, it is so much easier for me to dive into Him and reside in freedom.
