“It’s hard to dance with the Devil on your back, so shake him off!”
“Learn to dance with the fear that I’ve been running from.”
Above are some lyrics from Florence + The Machine’s “Shake it Off” and Ben Rector’s “Fear”, respectively. Two superb songs and before you continue reading, I’d like you to listen to them on Youtube. This may come as a shock to some of you, but I’ve been wrestling with almost paralyzing fear. I’m sure my blood pressure has been at an all time high these past two months. In the middle of December, I would wake up from nightmares in a sweat and on one occasion wept myself back to sleep.
Now I told myself I would never talk about this but with a few friends back home. But without context this is quite a confusing bomb to drop on you. Before I begin, Mom I’d like to apologize. This is not how I intended for you to hear about this but the Holy Spirit is calling me to share this demon I’ve been wrestling with for two months. I intended to tell you in person in Thailand when you come to visit but the HS ain’t got time for that. (the only reason the “ain’t nobody got time for that” meme isn’t here is because my wifi is terrible).
I was mugged at knife point in Johannesburg, South Africa by two men. Don’t worry I’m alive and well with all my things. Here is what happened. It’s the first weekend of December and I was walking back to the hostel in Jo-berg where the squad was staying at by myself. First mistake. I was jamming out to Mumford & Sons with headphones in. Second Mistake. I had my backpack on me. Third Mistake. Thankfully, a block before the hostel I decided to look across the street and in my peripheral I noticed two men walking 20 yards behind me. I took out my headphones and picked up my pace just enough that it wouldn’t be suspicious. Oh and of course this is the one time I don’t have my knife on me. I make it to the hostel’s gate and press the bell. The men walk past me and abruptly turn around. “I want this,” the first one says and grabs my backpack’s strap on my shoulder. I remember looking at the second man and that’s when I noticed the knife he had in his hand by his chest. Boom. Fight or flight? I heard the hostel gates begin to open up behind me. Fight. My hands clench into fists. I remember saying “No” and punching the first guy in the face as hard as I can and then shoving him into the other guy. They fall over and I jump through the gate. I yell for help and the two men flee. An hour answering questions to the police and filling out a report and its over.
Little did I know that the devil was going to use this encounter to continuously mug me of joy.
A few days after this the men of the squad leave for Bokspits, Botswana for fourteen days of replacing a roof of a church and roughing it in the Kalahari Desert. Don’t worry, I was a cub scout. So we’re out in the middle of no where in our tents. On two separate occasions, a lady of the church says to us, “People are watching you” & “You should watch your things.” Uhhh excuse me?! You can’t say that and not give any context. During our time in Botswana, I have two nightmares of people chasing me. The second nightmare was so intense I fell back asleep weeping and praying to Jesus.
Fast forward a bit. The men have met back up with the girls of our squad in White River, South Africa. I’ve begun the process of working through this fear. I have a few opportunities to talk it over and verbally process it with my friends, Rosie and Austin. But I’m still on edge whenever we left Manna (the church) and went into town. Christmas and New Years happen and I experience some joy. Then we head to Pretoria, South Africa for month four debrief. Unfortunately the beggars in Pretoria are persistent and will follow you. I don’t like people following me for obvious reasons. I have another nightmare after the first night. Debrief goes well and with its end comes a new team and a new ministry site. Bulawayo, Zimbabwe.
Being the second largest city in Zimbabwe and allowing the devil to use my past two experiences in African cities to mug me of the joy I could be choosing. But, Bulawayo has blown my low expectations out of the water. I owe a good chunk of this to my new team. They’ve really rallied around me and speak joy and life into me. The ministry here is also with kids and adolescents. My favorite kind. Watching these kids who come from poor homes choose to dance and choose joy despite their environment. A wise man (Matt Wright) once told me, its up to us to decide how things are going to effect us.
Last night, I decided I’m going to choose joy daily and learn to “dance”. I’m no longer going to allow the Devil the ability to steal my joy. Its mine and I want to give it to Christ. The final (non chorus) line of “Shake it Off”at 2 minutes and fortyfive secons goes:
“And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me”
I’m gonna choose to allow joy to happen to me now from here on out. I’m gonna let joy happen to me. I encourage you to do the same.
P.S. Mom, I’m well and you don’t have to worry about me.
P.S.S. Sorry for anyone hoping that this was the blog I announce that I’m pursuing my lifelong dream of becoming a Hip-Hop dancer. Soon.
