Over the last several days since returning to American soil, I have experienced a wide range of emotions. Grief, excitement, anger, disgust, anticipation, thankfulness, gratitude, peace, chaos, remorse, contentment, lethargy, apathy, sympathy, exhaustion, and everything in between.
The wonderful thing about feeling like a complete mess is that God is right there to put the pieces back together.
This year I saw boys age 6-19 who lived on the streets of Manila, most of which spent a lot of time getting high on glue. Many of them had no family and many of them chose to live on the streets to be “free” from the authority of their parents. They begged for money, stole, and scraped by because they have been blinded to the truth that they could have so much more out of life. I saw them as they came off of their high and returned to being normal children. Their eyes were vibrant as they laughed and played, and when they ate they seemed to be bottomless pits. To see them be free to be children, not in survival mode, broke something in my heart and opened an area I didn’t know existed. Our final day there after a weekend camp with the boys, I was one of the people who rode the jeepney 3 hours into Manila to take them back. The anticipation of what was coming left me in an anxious frenzy. I held on to Christian and Alvin tightly in my lap, while 3 other boys laid against me sleeping. On the inside I felt like a momma bear who wanted to rip everything to pieces to protect these young cubs. I couldn’t hold in the tears and as we stopped under the bridge to let them off, they all scattered. I felt like a part of my heart was being ripped out of my chest and torn to pieces. I slowly got off the jeepney in a haze and just stared at them all over the streets. Alvin came back to me and gave me a big hug. He said he loved me and that it was the best day of his life. Christian put his tough face back on, gave me a hug and ran off.
I have seen women in Thailand, only a fraction of the women around the world, who are forced into prostitution as sex slaves. They are beaten down emotionally and mentally with fear and told that they are not worth more than to be used as a tool for sexual arousal and satisfaction. Some of them are controlled by the lie that they have no other option to provide money for their families in poor villages, while others are controlled by drugs and physical abuse. Some of the women are force-fed these substances to make them comply while others choose to take them to numb the pain and reality of the horrible things they have to endure. I have seen men of all ages fork over chump change to have their way with these women. I have seen their glazed over eyes from their overconsumption of alcohol and I remembered what my life was like in those days. No, I wasn’t paying people to have sex, but I was “drowning my sorrows” in alcohol. I was “numbing” the pain instead of dealing with it. Another piece of my heart broke. For the women who are deceived, trapped, and beaten down so that they have no courage left to fight. For the men who, whatever happened in their past, are stuck in this vicious cycle of gluttony that will never satisfy the deep recesses of their hearts. Who, whether they are the buyer or seller, seem to think that sex and wealth will make them more complete, filling the void.
I have seen people in Africa who are living in severe poverty because they have been made to think that they are unable to be creative and think for themselves. Government control has left them thinking that they are no better than what they currently have and don’t deserve to thrive. People who, with very little, still find a reason to wake up and work hard until the sun sets. Who find a reason within themselves to smile and get on about their day. Children who care less that you are a stranger because you carry joy and it draws them to you. They are desperate for affection, to be held, to play and to be noticed. They are some of the most admirable people because even if they don’t recognize it, they have a strength that surpasses many people today. They have a work ethic that is engrained in them and they don’t just give up.
I have seen beautiful people in Europe who are dressed nice and are well educated. They are efficient, proper and admirable. They seem cold at first, but if you get outside of yourself to pursue conversation with them, they are boisterous, lively and kind people. I have heard stories of government corruption and how things are difficult to do because of a broken system. I have heard the hearts of people who are willing to fight for their country to see change. To not conform to the broken and corrupt system, but do their best to keep their ethics and values while living life.
I have seen my brothers and sisters in Christ give up everything to serve around the world with me. They have cried, screamed, felt deep pain and surrendered themselves to be changed and molded into God’s version of themselves. They have let go of lies and fear and become more confident in who they truly are. They have fought for transformation through the process and given their all in service to making the Kingdom of God known to people all over the globe. I have been privileged to witness their growth right before my eyes.
I myself have changed. Not only have I gained a new perspective on what goes on outside these walls, but I have come to see a glimpse of who I really am. A strong, confident, woman of God who is made with purpose and vision. Nothing in my life has been an accident and every single detail plays a role in who I am and why I am here. One thing I have learned this year is to be less offend-able. My whole life was spent being scared of conflict because I didn’t want to cause tension or even division in relationships. I walked on eggshells around people with hot buttons, and I bore all the guilt and shame for any disturbance of peace. I took everything personally as an attack against my character and never knew who I could trust. I tested people in very sneaky ways to see how they would react in order to test if was able to trust them or not. I threw out random remarks or sugar-coated comments to see if they would react in a negative way because if they did it would prove my theory that they didn’t really care about me or love me. I based my worth and value on the opinions of other people and sought to get any form of approval I could grasp. The Lord has taught me many things this year, but one of the most important things is that my value is not based on man’s opinion of me, but His. He created me in His image with His purpose in mind so that I could play a small role in accomplishing his mission here on Earth.
Scripture says that the Lord will give us “beauty for ashes” (Isaiah 61:3) and I had to be burnt down to ash before He could build me back up. My wounded and hurting heart had to be broken even more before it could be strengthened and made well again. There is no way to capture all that I experienced, witnessed and learned throughout this year into writing. Not only has my horizon expanded, my perception of thought has shifted. Seeing evil is much different than reading about it on the internet or hearing about it on the news through skewed opinions.
Words can’t express how grateful and thankful I am to have been given this opportunity to go on a journey with God for 11 months. A journey outside of my comfort zone, putting distractions aside, and simply loving people. It is a landmark in my life and something that has made more impact than I can ever make on my own. So whether you donated financially, prayed, encouraged, kept up-to-date or cheered on the sidelines, YOU made an impact. Not only on me and my squad mates, but to hundreds of people scattered all over the world! If it weren’t for you, none of this would have been possible and I’m not sure if my gratitude and the depth of your impact will ever be accurately conveyed. The Lord loves to use His people, TOGETHER, to accomplish His mission. Nothing He does is ever meant to be done alone.
I know I am walking in the right path when I feel like I am constantly getting knocked down. It means that the devil is intimidated by the plans the Lord has for me, and he will stop at nothing to keep me from accomplishing my Kingdom mission. When I feel a constant attack of fear, doubt, and being told that I’m not worthy or good enough… it ignites a fire in me to push back and fight harder. Around the corner from every attack is a tremendous breakthrough and blessing!
So wherever you are today, don’t stay down on the ground when you feel tired and beat up. Get back up! Stand firm against your adversaries. Suit up with your battle armor and FIGHT!
“The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us.” – Emerson
“I know this transformation is painful, but you’re not falling apart; you’re just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful.” – William C. Hannan
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” – Unknown
“The part of you you’re most afraid to share is, most likely, the part we’ve been waiting with baited breath to see.” – Unknown
“Everyone gets excited about vision but very few live the dream. Often it’s because we love the promise but fear the process.” – Alan Scott
“Be a voice, not an echo.” – Albert Einstein
