In a song I recently heard called “Completely” by Among the Thirsty, the artist says “I am completely surrendering. Finally giving You everything. You’re my redeemer, I run to the cross. Because You are more than enough. Lord complete me. Cause I’m Yours completely. I let Your gifts take the place of you. But You pulled up my selfishness from it’s roots. I am a broken and fragile me. But I’m where You want me to be.”
These words hit me like a freight train as I realized that I have been trying to carry the weight on my own. Fundraising. Packing. Loneliness. Self-pity. Work. Fear. All of it. I have been continuing a performance mentality that if I just work hard enough, I would prove to God that I am worth something. All the while forgetting that HE ALREADY LOVES ME. Why am I working so hard to get something that I already have?
All that I get when I work myself hard is exhausted. Worn out. Ragged. Shred to pieces. Not on ounce of energy left in me to fight. But this evening as I hit the peak of my selfishness and ugliness, I finally fell to my knees in front of God and surrendered. Surrendered myself and admitted that I cannot do this alone. I am not strong enough. I cracked. I broke. I weeped. As always, He was so gentle to remind me that He is with me. Whether or not I choose to spend time with Him or allow Him to take over, He never leaves. He is right there comforting me when I am hurting, when I feel like everything is falling apart, His hands are underneath me, catching all the broken pieces.
He reminded me of things spoken over my life. Promises. Assurance. Love. He reminded me that as much as I encourage others when they are feeling down and out, those things are true for me too. You see, I am so quick to go to bat for others and fight for them when I can see a clear spiritual war to take them out. But I didn’t believe the same was happening for me. Like I knew in my head it was probably the case, but deep in my heart I was believing that as much as God gave me the encouraging words for someone else, I was not worthy enough to receive them as well. I had believed the lie that I was alone. Abandoned.
I have had seasons where I am fully aware and confident of these things, and then times like recently where I let the pressure and stress take over and sink back down into my dark hole of despair. Well I am here to say that I am SO thankful that God doesn’t leave me there. Eventually, I reach a point where I have no fight in me left. And time is nothing but a glimpse to Him, so He is okay with waiting until I am worn out. He is right there, ready to rescue me when I am about to go under.
Sure, He could be forceful and take over at any time because He is God and He has the power and ability to do that. But how would that create a relationship that I would want to be a part of? No one likes people who control and manipulate. That is not a healthy relationship to be a part of. So instead of pushing me aside, fixing things and then pointing in my face to reprimand me and tell me how wrong I was… He patiently waits for me to exhaust myself trying to do it alone so that when I have nothing left and finally cry out to Him, He can speak to my heart and comfort me.
This life is not easy. I actually would suffice it to say that I have a much harder time since I gave my life to Christ than I did before. Because in the past, I didn’t have to be accountable to anyone. Sure I felt guilt and remorse for things I did, but ultimately I just sucked it up, pushed those feelings down and went on. A life surrendered to Christ is accountable to His Word. Accountable for doing right and doing wrong either to others or just in our own hearts and minds. This life takes much more fight. Much more tenacity. However, it is only BECAUSE of Christ that we are able to persevere during the rough times. Because just as I have been reminded today, we are completely incapable of doing it on our own! And it is a process of learning. Constantly learning how to surrender and submit our own will to Him who knows everything. He created me. Molded me. Shaped me. Named me. And Kyla means “victorious”.
