I am broken… I am broken in a way that I have never experienced before. I am broken in a way that only God and the Holy Spirit can help me through. I'm not lost but I don't know where I'm going. I mean I have 7 more months of the race but after that the world is my oasis and I'm ok not knowing what's next right now. I also don't know where I am going in a Spiritual sense. I'm relearning and redefining things that I have been taught as a Christian. I've seen the Holy Spirit bring me to a level of brokenness that only he and God can take me from to rebuild me. It's going to be a new and improved me. However while in the brokenness I am learning that I don't have to have sorrow. I am choosing to have JOY.
Megan (my amazing squad leader) told me I need to choose joy. I remember feeling so broken that I looked at her and told her it wasn't a choice as I walked away to my new ministry in Romania. I quickly remembered that I could choose JOY. The joy that my Father has placed deep within the depths of my spirit, my soul, my heart. I have a joy that is overflowing and needs to be spread around the world not only to my team and my squad but the people we encounter on this crazy journey. From the lady on the bus that I will never see again and just smiled at, to my ministry contact that is quickly becoming one of my good friends, to the children we minister to. I have joy in me because I am full of the Holy Spirit. He is the light that I am allowing to shine as I choose joy.
My team has told me that they see light when they look at me. I have long known that I can bring light into the darkness. I have the personality that can change the atmosphere of a room and for so long I hated it. I saw it as a burden and rarely used it to glorify the kingdom. Now all I want is to be that light. To shine bright for others and for them to see me and know that I am different. I am different because I am filled with the Holy Spirit and I am not scared to use it in the world.
So through the brokenness I am being a light. I am being joyful and yes it is a choice. Yesterday I was blessed to share my testemony to a group of young girls. I was able to tell them about how I found peace in situations where there wasn't much of it around. They listened and they heard and then the Holy Spirit moved. These girls who don't open up shared about themselves and wanted to know more about me. It was an honor for God to use my story in such an amazing way. It was a blessing to see how God can now move forward in their lives and grow them and continue to fill them up with the Holy Spirit. If I wasn't choosing joy through the brokenness I would have missed this oppurtunity. Yes God could have used another person but he wanted me. He needed me for his kingdom. How glorious it is to be used in such amazing ways.
The brokenness isn't pleasant and if I dwelled in it my life would not be enjoyable currently but by choosing joy and being a light I am able to get more of life in this season. As I continue to hear the Holy Spirit and be filled I will work through this brokenness and what lies on the other side will be far more amazing that I can even imagine right now!!!!
