In five days I head out to the nations to begin my greatest adventure yet. The emotions that dwell within the depths of my soul leave me paralyzed. I feel fear for the unknown. I have no idea what to expect or even currently what I want. The only thing I know is that I want to serve God with every fiber of my being. I want to be used by him. I want to further his kingdom. Further my understanding of him. I realize the depth I have gained and I want more. I want it all. I want away from the distractions that surround my society. I want the simplicity of just me and him. The intimacy that comes with complete and utter surrender. I’m getting to that place. I want it so bad I can taste it but I have that last strand holding me back.
My mind wanders endlessly with and without purpose all at the same time. My thoughts a jumbled mess that I can’t even begin to understand. But He understands and he knows and that trust in him is all I have to dwell in at this moment. It is the only clear thing that I have. My God loves me. I am beautiful to him. He has spent my lifetime preparing me, molding me, growing me to be his. He wants all of me. He’s jealous for me. For every deep, dark, small and mundane piece of me. God doesn’t want to share me with the world he wants all of me. My presence in the world is to please him, to serve him, to further his kingdom. My goals are not my own. My desires are his. I want to be broken for him. I want to be his hands and feet. I tried so long and hard my way to dissolute prevail. I was never meant to go alone. I was meant to go with God by my side. He was always there I just never looked over to see him. It was easier not to because I didn’t want to relinquish control. Control a word that has plagued me all month. I like control actually I thrive on it. I find comfort in it knowing that I can do it.
There’s no I in God there’s a we. Me and him. We will do it. I’ve known a long time I can do all things through him who strengthens me. I’ve allowed him to strengthen me for years but control?! That was mine. Well control adios I give it to God. I’m not a passenger though I’m co pilot. Never alone, never lost, never forsaken. His! I am his! Every piece of me. Broken or whole. Happy or sad. Lost or afraid. His. Peace overwhelms me. Comforts me. I’ve fought too long too hard for naught. Surrender. Peace. They compliment each other in this moment. They fill my soul to its depths. Calm comes. Fear dissipates. Love is restored. More abundant then before. Ready? Set? Go! Go to the nations. Go out into the World. Serve! Serve him through serving others! True intimacy dwells and overwhelms like a flood washing over me. Seeing that it was by my side all along. Within my grasp if only surrender and control hadn’t been consuming. Overwhelming. Joy. Happiness. Peace. I’m renewed in Him. Through Him. For Him. My life ever evolving and changing but God as my center. My Father! My daddy…Fear escapes and confusion is lifted.
Five days I start the World Race. Five days I give up the comforts of home. Five days I begin life out of a backpack. Five days I do something I never imagined. Five days the next stage of life begins one that’s planning and preparation began in the womb. I’m destined for this. I’m thrilled to go and blessed. I’m ready for the experiences the world holds for me but is the world ready for me? Guess we’ll find out as the journey begins! God is by my side and I’m ready! I surrender control to him!
