“whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
And after those words were spoken God helped me realize I had a choice. I could keep on thinking the way I was thinking, I could keep seeing the worst and dragging my feet, or I could say enough is enough and do something about it. After two weeks of not sharing much, I shared with my team what I was feeling and they prayed for me. During their prayer I felt peace wash over my heart like a flood and in an instant I felt back to my normal self. Excited to serve, patient with others, love and grace abounding. Ask me for any more explanation and that’s all I’ve got; but an important lesson I learned was about taking responsibility. Responsibility for
my actions
my thoughts
my eyes
my heart
Responsibility to me in that moment meant choosing to empty the bathroom trashes instead of pretending I didn’t see them full, choosing to take every negative thought captive, choosing to see the best in people, and choosing to trust God with my whole heart not just parts of it.
While the first two weeks I spent as a walking shell of a person, the last two weeks in Honduras were more positive yes, but equally as hard. God was continuing to shine His light on more and more of my heart and revealing the sins I have held on to over the years.
The next biggest theme was that I wanted to be known. I spent so much time looking around that I was missing what was right in front of me. I would look around at my fellow squad mates and compare how I was as a leader, how they served compared to how I served, how powerful people’s prayers were compared to mine, and any other thing I could grasp on to. Why? I didn’t want to be just the average girl on the squad. But the funny thing is, God didn’t need another Jessie Schwartz on the squad, or another Ciera Nelson, God needed a Kristy Paruk on the squad, just the way I am.
I realized I had this unhealthy desire to be known that traced back to wanting to be known all throughout middle school, high school, college, and beyond. Whenever I stopped at the coffee shop it was normal to know five people inside; or once church ended I could be found in the lobby talking for 45 minutes, or I could go to the bar and see handfuls of people who I had no intention of seeing. In all these common occasions where I felt known—it was just a bunch of filler I stuffed in my heart to fuel the confidence I carried.
What happens when you take the prior person and put her in a room where she could walk in and go unspoken to if never looking up. Or put her in conversations where people stop listening halfway through as if her lips aren’t still moving. Times where everyone has a bus buddy and she has her backpack.
…When the foundation is bad it affects the stability of the whole house.
The rotten fruit of comparison to others allowed me to find the root of wanting to be known. But God had a solution for that one too—His love. So through the storm this month there was one thing that grew in confidence, and that was knowing how dearly the Lord loved me.
His love became enough.
