Worthiness. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for quite some time. Not to be confused with worthlessness – no, that would be too easy to identify. I’ve never felt worth-less, and because of that, my real struggle didn’t seem like a big deal. But it is a big deal. According to Beth Moore, anything that keeps you from living the full, abundant life that God has planned for you to live is not only a big deal, but it is a stronghold. My stronghold has been so easy to sweep under the rug to be FORGOTTEN. This is how the enemy gets me, time and time again. He allows me to setle for mediocrity. I am very aware that things could be worse and very grateful that they aren’t, so I fall short of striving for more and striving for the best. I mean, isnt’t good “good enough”?
It isn’t.
Sure I bypass those things that could lead to a disastrous lifestyle, but I also miss out on the life that God wants me to have and fight for. When it is all said and done, I fall short, all because I don’t consider myself worthy enough to receive more.
When did the issue of worthiness – not being worth it – become my struggle? I’m not sure how early it was in my life that satan began spinning this web of lies, but looking back I can recall a few moments where the lie of being unworthy was planted. One of the first instances, causing some of the deepest wounds, was in high school when I was told (through the actions of others) that being black disqualified me from reaching certain degrees of excellence. I was too black to be selected as Student of the Year, recognized as valedictorian, or crowned Homecoming Queen. I was too black to lead my dance team in the public eye. I was too black to have my transcripts mailed off to universities so that I could pursue higher education.
At the time, it didn’t bother me. Why? Because I was still in a better position than many of the other black students that I knew. I could have had things a lot worse, and that stopped me from fighting for the best. Around the world I am seeing the injustice and oppression that comes from being born the wrong gender or to the wrong family. Our contact made this statement regarding life in India, “No matter what I do, I can become a billionaire or receive very high marks in education, but I can never change my caste”. People in India are forever judged based on their family name. When he said that, I empathized with the Indian community because even in America, land of the free, I know what it is like to feel the need to prove your worthiness. I understand how an unrelated and unchangeable factor such as race or family status helps others determine your worth.
After accepting the fact thaty my race would always be an issue and hinderance, I went to college and ‘fell in love’. This college sweetheart made me question my worthiness in a differente area – my purity. Being a virgin was good enough for a little while, but it wouldn’t keep his affections for good. I was too pure to keep him as my boyfriend. So I decided to negotiate my beliefs and standards of purity to have this man, who I thought I loved, love me back. I couldn’t do anyting about the color of my skin in high school, but THIS was different. This I could control. Finally, I could prove my worth for him. 10 years later, and I have no clue where this man, my “future husband” is. Still trying to prove my worthiness, I missed the mark.
After college, I worked in Corporate America. I got a great job as a technical consultant with a starting salary of over $60,000! As a 22 year old college graduate, I was doing better than most of my peers. There was only one problem that my career counselor identified early on – I was too idealistic. I had morals. I wanted was right for the client as well as the consultant. I asked questions and tried to use logic that sometimes went against the system. If I wanted the promotions and prestige of working for one of the top consulting companies in America, all of that had to change.
I was a good girl. I was a smart girl. I was a hard working girl. But the recurring mantra of my life has always been that I am too much, yet never enough.
I am too complicated.
I am too loud.
My hair is too big.
I joke around too much.
My expectations are too high.
I am too dark.
I am too light.
I am too nice.
In my own skin, being the person that I am most comfortable with, the person that God created me to be, I was never worthy of the things that I desired most. So WHY WOULD GOD CREATE ME THIS WAY, making my life one struggle after another?
Because of this, I learned to stop asking for things that were outside of my league. I lived a good, comfortable life and I followed all the rules. Although deep down I wanted more, I settled with being “good enough”. The sad thing is, when I began serving Christ, I kept this mentality. I wanted more, but never felt lilke I was worthy enough to actually ask for it. If I ever did ask for something extreme and didn’t receive it right away, I understood. Let’s be honest, I lived outside of God’s will for many years, so I’m probably not worthy of that request. I have my salvation, something that many people have not received, that’s “good enough”.
The only problem with that mindset is that it goes against EVERYTHING that God says to me and about me, and it minimizes the magnitude of His sacrifice. The devil doesn’t want me to experience the fullness of Christ, so he tried to steal my inheritance before I even knew what it was. The truth is, I want SO MUCH MORE of Christ that I sometimes lay awake at night crying when I think about it. It’s a hunger pain that hurts more than anything that I’ve ever felt. However, I subdue that pain by telling myself that it isn’t for me – stop asking for too much.
This past weekend, I went to church and the pastor spoke directly to this issue in my heart. She said that a fear of asking for too much causes many believers to ask for too little. God never scolds us for praying TOO BIG prayers. He is not intimidated by our prayers for more. He may ask you to wait, or to pray according to His will, or to forgive someone first, or to believe in your heart … but He NEVER puts a limit on the magnitude of our prayers. Need proof?
1) John 16:23-24 “At that time you won’t need to ask me for anything. I tell you the truth, you will ask the Father directly, and he will grant your request because you use my name. You haven’t done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy”
2) John 15:7 “But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!”
3) Hebrews 4:16 “So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most”
Not only does He NOT scold us for asking for too much, but He does scold us for asking for too little.
Then he said, “Take the arrows,” and the king took them. Elisha told him, “Strike the ground.” He struck it three times and stopped. The man of God was angry with him and said, “You should have struck the ground five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram and completely destroyed it. But now you will defeat it only three times.” – 2 Kings 13:18-19
And when it comes to worth, God completely shattered my beliefs. I’m beyond worthy and much more than just good enough, I am perfect! This is not pride. I don’t boast in myself, but only in the power and goodness of my Father, my Lord, and my King. He calls me beautiful, royalty, his crown of creation, and perfection!
1) Hebrews 10:12-14 “But our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. There he waits until his enemies are humbled and made a footstool under his feet. For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.”
2) 1 Peter 2:9 “But you are not like that, you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodnesss of God, for he called you out of darkness into his wonderful light”
3) Ephesians 1:18 “I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called – his people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.”
4) Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfuly made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
5) Romans 8:15-17 “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”
If you’ve ever been fed the lie that you don’t deserve, can’t receive, or ask for too much, I challenge you to fight it with the truth that comes from God. I know that I am God’s daughter. I am a princess. I am a part of a story being written by the divine Author. Every day I grow closer and closer to Christ. I haven’t received everything I’ve asked for [yet], but it isn’t because I’m not worthy of it. It’s because God wants to go even further and far beyond my requests. This story that I am living out is far too extravagant for my thoughts to contain. I can’t rely on man to tell me how valuable I am, because their minds can’t conceive it either. My worth is far too precious for me to allow anyone to steal or diminish its value. This is my story of worthiness.
“Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.” – Proverbs 31:10
