“There is nothing better than giving up everytthing and stepping into a passionate love relationship with God, the God of the universe who made galaxies, leaves, laughter, and me and you.” – Francis Chan, Crazy Love
I don’t look the same. I don’t speak the same. I don’t think the same.
I AM RUINED.
I wake up in the morning and my first thoughts are no longer about what I’m going to wear or how busy traffic is going to be. I’ve come to the realization that I don’t know what love is, and I never really did. Now, I can’t stop asking myself questions like …
What is Love?
How do I love like Jesus?
I now understand that being on an 11 month mission trip doesn’t necessarily mean that I am loving others. Likewise, giving all my money or sacrificing all my time or doing things that others want to do (even if I don’t really want to do it) doesn’t equate real love.
“GOD, ALL I WANT IS YOU! I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE!”
That was my heart’s cry, and in many ways it still is. I used to think it was a pretty noble prayer… I had it all figured out, finally arriving at the place where Christ alone is good enough for me; but, now I know that I can’t have Christ alone. At least not now, not until I leave this earth and go heaven, because, at this very moment, I live in the world. A world created by the One that I profess my undying love towards, a world full of people who The Love of My Life died for. The honest truth is …
I can’t love God if I don’t love His people. I can’t love His people if I don’t care about His people. I can’t care about His people if I don’t see them … REALLY see them.
So now instead of praying daily for God to bless me, love me, protect me, or talk to me, and instead of praying to live in my own little world where it’s only me and Him, I pray for God to break my heart. I pray to get to a place where I feel the pain that others around me are experiencing. I pray that my heart would not only long to be in God’s presence, but that it would also long for the salvation of every soul that doesn’t know Jesus.
I don’t love the same.
I don’t pray the same.
I don’t see the same.
I. AM. RUINED.
Without the heart of God, the eyes of God, the ears of God, and the hands of God, I will never be able to reach these who, more often then not, are right in front of my face. I can’t stop thinking about how much God loves every single person. Even if we ignore Him and pretend He doesn’t exist. Especially in Thailand, where most of the country gives other gods credit for His goodness. He is still in love with us all.
My squad leader, Laura, helped me to realize that we are ALL a different facet and characteristic of God’s love for humanity. Every person that ever walked the earth is a unique picture of God, created by God, and created for God. Since then, I can’t look at people the same way. Rather than merely glancing in their direction, I stare at them (when they aren’t looking) in awe of this new and unique picture of God’s beauty. I wonder if they know, or even care, that they are loved by the greatest love known to mankind. I stare and wonder how I could be loved by a God so magnificent. I will never understand, and as I continue to marvel and question, I think it’s better that way. It’s better because I will continue to search out the magnificance in this mystery, always aware that there is so much more to figure out than I currently know.
Being on Unsung Heroes duty in Thailand we stay in lots of hostels and ride lots of busses. Yesterday on the bus I listened to “These Hands” by Victory World Music and stared at the tons of people walking through the streets and markets of Bangkok. I’ve always loved this song and each time I heard it I was reminded of everything God did to reach me, but this time was different. This time I cried at the fact that the same hands that reached out to save me are still reaching well beyond me to save everyone in the world.
So now I wake up in the morning and wonder what new facets of God’s beauty will I encounter today and how will He allow me to love them. I’m not the same person that I was in September when I launched for the World Race, and I am excited about the continuous change to come. So as I said in my blog title:
The World Race has ruined me … in the best way possible!
