I’m a team treasurer. It sounds like an important position, but it really just means that I hold the team’s money and keep track of where we spend it, based on a pre-determined budget given to me by Adventures In Missions finance folks. My responsibilities are pretty simple – hold the money, spend the money, keep track of where it was spent. Hold the money. Spend the money. Keep track of where it was spent. Doesn’t take a genius, but someone has to do it!
Before we launched in September, each team was given some “Emergency Cash” to just hold on to unless/ until it was needed later. Yesterday was that “later”. When Sha’terika, my team leader, told me that we would be need to use our emergency cash during this travel day, my initial thoughts were “cool, no problem”. I knew exactly where the money was because I thought kept it in the same location since the time that I first got it. However, when I went to grab it from my treasury purse, it wasn’t there. Panic immediately set in. I began looking in other wallets, pockets, bags, and envelopes. Nowhere to be found!
$500 entrusted to me to hold on to, and now that we actually need to use it, I don’t have it. Not only did I not have it, but now I had to admit to my leaders that I lost the money. All of my fears of failing began to surface. “What are they going to think of me?” “What excuse can I give to make it seem like less of a big deal?” “Is it possible that I can somehow cover this up altogether?” “Do I even have enough of my own personal money to cover anything up??” All of these thoughts ran around in my head until finally a scripture came to displace these thoughts.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:4-7
This was the scripture that my squad leaders gave me before we launched. Written on a sheet of paper, hidden in the back of my journal, is my name, that scripture, and the words ‘Powerful & Encourager’. I have no idea how or why the squad leaders decided to write that for me, but it was perfect in this situation. I decided to not worry, to not be anxious, to not try and fix it, and to simply pray. I thought about how appearing to not worry might look bad to my leaders. How they would think negatively about me for messing up and then think worse about my character for not seeming anxious, upset, or worried. I started wondering how I could show remorse without worrying. Once again, I was trying to take matters into my own hands. Believing that my leaders would think differently of me as a person based on how I performed as a treasurer showed that I was placing my own identity and self-worth in my performance. I was also trying to modify my own actions in order to make someone else think better things about me.
Finally, I decided to stand up against the lie that making a mistake meant that I was a failure. Instead, I spoke the truth that said I am God’s beloved daughter and that isn’t contingent upon my mishaps. No matter how I perform in my earthly assignments, nothing is going to change that. Regardless of what others may think or say about my decision not to worry or be anxious, it’s only what God says about me that matters. My identity is firmly set in Him. So, I finally told my squad leader and my team leader that I couldn’t find the money, and you know what … They didn’t hate me or condemn for it! They were actually very gracious and reaffirmed my decision not to worry. I was surprised that they were so calm and forgiving and it helped me to remain calm as well.
As I thought about it at any moment throughout the day, I continued to pray that I would find the money. The next morning I double checked in my backpack for the money, and what do you know … I found it! There it was, tucked away in a place that I’d previously checked twice, but I guess I didn’t look good enough. God not only taught me a lesson about what it means to have my identity in Christ, but He also answered my prayers to find the $500 in emergency cash. Finding the money was great, but knowing now that I don’t have to be afraid or ashamed of messing up pretty much feel phenomenal.
