Last night I shared my testimony with my teammates. It was pretty wonderful, I must admit. I'm almost positive that I didn't get through ALL of my testimony, but I definitely became aware of where I've grown and where I still need to grow. Every time I share any portion of my testimony, my love for Jesus grows because of what He's helped me to overcome. I have truly overcome things in my past and no longer desire the lifestyle that I used to live. I was able to boldly and openly share my testimony with no guilt or shame of the sin that once had me shackled. I'm confident that I now stand on the other side as a free woman. No longer a slave to my sin, but confident in who I am and who God created me to be. I am an overcomer!
Now that I am certain that God has victoriously brought me through my dirt and mess, I began to wonder "What's next?". I know that God isn't done with me yet. I know that there is still more pruning. I know there are still deeper levels for me to go and more of me to be revealed. Then, God showed me that although I am free from the life of sin I once lived, there is still a deeper root that must be dug up … my issue with intimacy. I've long desired intimacy, but at the same time detested it. I've sought out deep love and friendships, while simultaneously being afraid and running from it. It's been this terrible struggle of God placing a desire in me and wanting to give it to me, but me being afraid to embrace it because of past hurts and recalling how people have once abused my love. As much as I wanted a real sisterhood with my team, I probably would never have initiated it. I would not have been proactive in cultivating it if they hadn't brought it up first. All of my teammates told me that they feel like they don't know the real me or anything about my background.
So now, I'm on this journey … and I'm not talking about The World Race. I'm on a quest for intimacy. Intimacy with God, intimacy with God's word, intimacy with those close to me, and intimacy with those that God love. I shared this with my teammates and they've agreed to walk with me and help me in this quest. Most of my life until now, with few exceptions, has been pretty surface level. I never knew what it was like to go deep. I love my family to death, but we didn't go very deep. Maybe it's a southern thing, but we swept a lot under the rug and just moved on. I didn't go deep in my relationships with men, afraid that they would abuse my vulnerability or, to be honest, that I would abuse theirs. I didn't go deep in my friendships with women because, in my opinion, women don't really care. They only pretend to care and they all have their own issues which are "much worse than mine", so why burden them? I didn't go deep with God because I related with God the same way that I related to people. I knew in my head that He was different, but I dealt with Him based on what I had experienced with others. I truly believe this is something that we all do, whether we recognize it or not.
1 John 4:20 says "If anyone says, I love God, and hates a brother or sister, he is a liar, because the person who doesn't love a brother or sister who can be seen can't love God, who can't be seen". Along those same lines, how can I trust God and have intimacy with Him when I'm afraid to do so with my brothers and sisters who are closest to me. I tried to begin this quest with God. "GOD I JUST WANT MORE OF YOU!" It actually was a very smart decision. Nothing wrong with going to God first, right? So God, being all knowing, led me to people and showed me that my quest for intimacy starts with them. I can't have God and God alone. His plan is so much more elaborate than that. His plan involves many other people who are in my life to be grown by me as well as to grow me. His love desires that I am complete in ALL areas and it's about to be a wonderful ride.
